From possessive to progressive ...

[rayograph]

Human relationships are known to be the most difficult to manage ever...
what is a true relationship?

I look at most of the people i know who are in a relationship and i see jealousy, frequent fights over trivial reasons, stress and most of all, the "being possessive" syndrome, which to me is the deadliest factor in any relationship.

personally, i find that most people perceive relationships in a wrong way; lovers say things like "we have so much in common". "we have the same dreams and ambitions", "we share the same interests", "we feel like we're one" ... no, no, no!! you shouldn't feel like one! you should stay 2 different persons, who have different goals and perceptions in life... you should help each other to attain self-realisation, you should hold your partner's hand and help him walk his path and he should do the same for you; it's all about maturity. a mature relationship is a relationship that will bring you all the positive vibes you need and all the support you need to go through life, a mature relationship is a stress-free, fight-free relationship; this "fights and quarrels keep the relationship alive and lasting" over-used statement is pure nonesense!! is it possible for someone to have a negative wish?

and when you truly love, you somehow let go...
we are "individuals" so we all like to be independent, to have our breathing space, to feel free... and by free i'm not talking about "open relationships" at all! it is not sexual at all and has nothing to do with fidelity, it just has to do with respecting the nature of every human being...

i might be wrong, but at least this is how i perceive it...

what do you think?

[Bodhisattva]

maybe one should not get in a relationship if he or she don't feel complete in and of themselves

an incomplete perspective can lead to attachment, jealousy, anger, unsatisfaction, frustration, possibly hate and will continue to pressure the relationship until it breaks, or live unhappily ever after :)

what is important for you? what really is important to you? ur values?? do you share values? are you solid on values?

that could be a great starting point

Goodluck,

[rayograph]

i agree that one should not get into a relationship if he's not ready for it...

but what do you mean by values? how do you define a value?

[Bodhisattva]

Originally Posted by rayograph

i agree that one should not get into a relationship if he's not ready for it...

but what do you mean by values? how do you define a value?

what is important to you? what makes you You?

Do a little exercise.

Close your eyes (after) and picture a beautiful day, sunny, happy. And then picture a funeral house in that beautiful day. You're looking through and you find your family, your friends, your coworkers, everyone you love, you care about. Then in the casket, it's you. They're smiling, no one's sad, neither are you. It's ok

Now each of these people would go up and talk about you, a eulogy. Jot down points of what you would want for them to say about you, to remember you. Ya3né, mommy, what would she say? Dad? Ur friends, ur housemates, your friends, your coworkers, your partner :), everything. Write points.

When you're comfortable, see if you can find themes in what you write and write down the main points. Lets see if we can find those values of yours :)

[Nayla]

Originally Posted by rayograph

Human relationships are known to be the most difficult to manage ever...
what is a true relationship?

Une vraie relation est basée surtout sur le fait de savoir que l'autre est un etre humain comme toi et qu'il a les memes faiblesses et le memes besoins de liberté. de respect, de sécurité, de compréhension...... Il a le droit d'etre en colère tout comme moi, il a le droit de commettre des erreurs, tout comme moi, il a le droit de refuser, d'accepter,de réagir,d'etre lui-meme en somme. Personne ne peut fondre en l'autre sinon personne ne sera plus personne.
Je ne peux pas etre qq'un d'autre et je n'ai pas le droit de demander à l'autre de devenir moi. J'ai le droit d'aimer ce que je veux et il a le droit d'aimer ce qu'il veut.
Une vraie relation est une relation dans laquelle chacun reste lui-meme tout en construisant un chemin ensemble. De toute façon, c'est plus enrichissant et plus harmonieux de vivre ainsi car chacun se sentira comblé sans pour autant etre dépendant de l'autre

[coralie]

l'homme et la femme se completent .
aucun des deux est parfait chacun apport un plus pour completer l'autre ils s'enrichissent mutuellement .

la jalousie, la possessivite, sont une marque d'un manque de confiance en soi qui se reflete negativement sur le/la conjoin/te , et par la suite sur la relation entre les deux .
ce genre de jalousie et possessivite fini par ecraser et ettoufer toute positivite et harmonie dans le couple qui se transformera par la suite en une maladive coxiestence ! respecter le droit de l'aute d'etre different et savoir s'enrichir de sa personne est un must qui aide a mieux aller de l'avant .

[rayograph]

Originally Posted by Bodhisattva

what is important to you? what makes you You?

Do a little exercise.

Close your eyes (after) and picture a beautiful day, sunny, happy. And then picture a funeral house in that beautiful day. You're looking through and you find your family, your friends, your coworkers, everyone you love, you care about. Then in the casket, it's you. They're smiling, no one's sad, neither are you. It's ok

Now each of these people would go up and talk about you, a eulogy. Jot down points of what you would want for them to say about you, to remember you. Ya3né, mommy, what would she say? Dad? Ur friends, ur housemates, your friends, your coworkers, your partner :), everything. Write points.


When you're comfortable, see if you can find themes in what you write and write down the main points. Lets see if we can find those values of yours :)

Thank you Boddhi for this inspiring reply but i guess you didn't get my point...
I know my own strengths and i know my own weaknesses, i've been practicing meditation and yoga for years and i've been through many experiences in my life that taught me a lot how to turn a negative and tragic event into a positive energy and move on stronger and wiser; if you consider this a value, then that's the greatest value i have ever learned in my life...
as for the eulogy thing, if this is how you measure values then i'm afraid i can't agree with you; i have never cared about what people think or say about me because that's just the wrong way to evaluate oneself and strengthen your self-confidence... people love gossips, they'd talk about you whatever you say or do, so if you linger on what they say or think, your whole life would be wasted; instead you should have your conscience clear and do what's best for you, qand what makes you feel good about yourself; because if you're not comfortable with yourself you can't be comfortable with others; if you don't love yourself and take care of yourself you can't take care of others... if you give people advices that you personally don't apply in your own life, then your advices are not honest and are worth nothing...

[Bodhisattva]

ray, i'm afraid we just discovered one of your values :)

now that we have a more practical understanding of what a value is, can we see why it's important to be solid on the core with your partner?

[Stella]

Thanks for this valuable thread!

The possessive love is not love, it is just taking the disguise of love to convince himself in first hand that he is in love, while he is killing the very person he loves. Many fall into this trap, they think they have the right to control the others` life just because he claims he loves her. That is far from love, that is rather selfishness, instability of soul, desperation and many fears.

You said a couple shall not feel like being one. Well in a sense though they shall, in a sense that there shall be a harmony between them, although you shall have your own goals, views, career, being able to live independently etc.. but you have to feel like one with your love, whole, or else you are just stumbling into walls.

[tamerlane]

je crois que meme quand on est deux lies par des contrats dans une relation d'amour et de vie commune ' il y a toujours l'ombre d'une solitude qui nous separe de l'etre auquel nous sommes lies .nous sommes deux et cela implique necessairement deux visions , deux perceptions.....