Old and New Jokes!!!

[lady_forever]

اندلعت النار في بيت مواطن.

فهرب بسرعة.. وشاهد الناس قد التموا، ثم تذكر أن عائلته في الداخل، فدخل مغامراً بنفسه وخرج حاملا ابنه.
ثم دخل ثانية وخرج حاملا ابنته.
ثم دخل ثالثة وخرج حاملا زوجته وسط تصفيق الواقفين.

ثم دخل رابعة وخرج وليس معه شيئاً.

وتنفس الصعداء وعاد خامسة وخرج من النار وليس معه شيئا..
وهكذ دواليك

فسأله الناس وقد شكوا انه اصيب بنوع من الجنون: شو قصتك يا رجل ، داخل طالع وما في معك شيء؟

أجابهم وهو يلهث: حماتي جوا..

وقاعد أقلبها على النار

[lady_forever]

في بنت عمرها 21 سنه، بلشت تظهر عليها مظاهر الحمل.

عرفت أمها، الأم اتدايقت وراحت للصيدليه واشترت جهاز اختبار للحمل, وبعد الفحص بالجهاز طلعت البنت حامل!

جنت الأم، وبهدلت بنتها وقالت: مين اللي عمل فيكي هيك؟ بدي اعرف بسرعه!

قامت البنت اتصلت بواحد

وبعد نص ساعة: وقفت على باب البيت سـيارة فيراري آخر موديل ونزل منها واحد حليوة لبسو مرتب وشكلو (ولد نعمه).

الشب قعد بصالون البيت وحاط رجل على رجل،

وقال: يا جماعة الخير... بنتكم قالتلي عالمشكله، بس بالحقيقة انا ما بقدر اتزوجها لظروفي العائلية الخاصة، بس انا ممكن أعوضها....

اذا جابت بنت، بكتب بإسم البنت مركز تجاري وفيله على البحر وبعطيها مبلغ مليون دولار،

واذا جابت ولد بكتب بإسم الولد مصنعين وبعطيه مليونين دولار،

أما اذا جابت توم بكتب بإسم كل واحد منهم مصنع وبعطي كل واحد مليون دولار.



طبعاً الأهل تفاجئوا ...

وكمل كلامه وقال: بس اذا ماجابت شي؟ (طلع الحمل كاذب) شو بدكم يكون التعويض ؟



اطلع الأب فيه وابتسم وقلو: بتحاول مره ثانيه يا ابني.

[Kakou]

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.'

SON: 'But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.'

MOM: 'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.'

SON: 'One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.'

MOM: 'Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.'

SON: 'Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?'

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MOM: 'One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of
the school

[†.)]

واحد يوصي ابنه المسافر على تايلاند : لا ترجع ومعك ايدز حتى لا تعدي الشغالة والشغالة تعديني وأنا أعدي أمك وأمك تعدي البلد كله



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واحد راح يخطب وحده قدمت له شاي فيه كيس ليبتون, قال: يا حبيبي بلشنا من أولها سحر وحجابات.



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واحد اشترى نوكيا, بعت رسالة لصاحبه: لا تحكي معي على السيمنز لأني بعته.



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واحد مصري أول مرة يحكي مع بنت, قالها: يا الله شو انه صوتك
baby face



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[Abou-Eddie]

Full Steam Ahead.

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??'The prostitute replies,'Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' He asks.' What's that supposed to mean??'She says,
'You're knot hard,
You're knot in,
And you're knot getting your money back

[Abou-Eddie]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and
that she will have to go and sit in the back,The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she
will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use.
And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land toarrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm
married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, 'Oh
I'm sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne.'

[fpm_70652]

Breaking news

‏

مقاتلون تابعون لـ كارلوس إده ينتشرون في مدينة الملاهي وميشال معوض سيعلن موقفاً حاسماً عبر الـ تي جي بعد قليل

[JulesK]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have confession to make I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods"."Tiger Woods... the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" ask the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this FŲCKING hole!"

[JulesK]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken BASTΆRD! You've shīt the bed!"

[JulesK]

A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.

She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.

After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been fµcked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"