Old and New Jokes!!!

[Chief]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance

to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a
kiss that would make a ****** blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My
name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Superman]

Mickey, Minnie and Goofy

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey Sucks!” written out in a yellow liquid in the snow. He investigated and realized there was good news and bad news.

It appeared to be Goofy's urine, but Minnie's handwriting.

[JulesK]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Michael?""Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.""Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for two days."The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Tommy?""Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for two weeks."Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see little Johnny leaving the classroom."Where do you think you are going?" she asks."Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school year is over."

[JulesK]

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous

<table border="0" cellpadding="0"><tbody><tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; background: rgb(160, 198, 229) none repeat scroll 0% 50%; -moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial; width: 0.1in;" bgcolor="#a0c6e5" width="10">
</td> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; width: 0.1in;" width="10">
</td> <td style="padding: 0.75pt;"><tt>session of recruitment for a </tt>
<tt>new chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 </tt>
<tt>candidates are all assembled </tt>
<tt>in a large room. One of the candidates is Hanna</tt>
<tt>Khoury, a Lebanese guy </tt>

<tt>Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming </tt>
<tt>and asks that all those </tt>
<tt>who do not know JAVA program language rise and </tt>
<tt>leave. </tt>

<tt>2000 people rise and leave the room. Hannah</tt>
<tt>Khoury says to himself - "I </tt>
<tt>do not know this language but what have I got </tt>
<tt>to lose if I stay? </tt>
<tt>I'll give it a try". </tt>

<tt>Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those </tt>
<tt>who have never had </tt>
<tt>experience of team management of more than 100 </tt>
<tt>people rise and leave. </tt>
<tt>2000 people rise and leave the room. Hannah</tt>
<tt>Khoury says to himself - "I </tt>
<tt>have never managed anybody but myself but what </tt>
<tt>have I got to lose if I </tt>
<tt>stay? </tt>

<tt>What can happen to me"? So he stays. </tt>

<tt>Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do </tt>
<tt>not have excellent </tt>
<tt>management diplomas to rise and leave. 500 </tt>
<tt>people rise and leave the </tt>
<tt>room. </tt>

<tt>Hannah Khoury says to himself - "I left school at </tt>
<tt>15 but what have I got </tt>
<tt>to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room. </tt>

<tt>Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates </tt>
<tt>who do not speak the </tt>
<tt>Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 </tt>
<tt>people rise and leave the </tt>
<tt>room. </tt>

<tt>Hannah Khoury says to himself - "I do not speak </tt>
<tt>Serbo-Croat but what the </tt>
<tt>"Hell! - Have I got anything to lose?" So he </tt>
<tt>stays in the room. He </tt>
<tt>finds himself alone with one other candidate - </tt>
<tt>everyone else has gone. </tt>

<tt>Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you </tt>
<tt>are the only two </tt>
<tt>candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now </tt>
<tt>like to hear you both </tt>
<tt>have a little conversation in that language! </tt>

<tt>Calmly Hannah turns to the other candidate and </tt>
<tt>says to him: "Keifak ya hayawen"... </tt>

<tt>The other candidate answers: "Fell men hon ya 7ayawen</tt><tt>……" </tt></td></tr></tbody></table>

[Kakou]

A Chinese was having a journey in Syria. A Syrian came to him and asked him about his name. The Chinese answered: Mi Chan-Choo.
The Syrian then replied: Mou michan chi! Moujarrad ta3arof!!

I love this one!! Loooooooooool

[lucy78]

there were 3 guys in saudie, a lebanese a syrian and a phillipino..all 3 guys committed a crime and all 3 was sentenced to each get 20 whippings. the day of the punishment arrived and the first one to be punished was the phillipino.
as the guy was getting ready to be punished the queen interupts and says "today is my birthday and im feeling generous, i grant all 3 of these guys only 1 wish".

the king looks at the phillipino and says "u heard the queen, u r granted 1 wish, what is it u want?"
the phillipino say, "i wish to have a pillow on my back".
the young mans wish is granted and the pillow is put on his back, after the 10th whipping his pillow is torn to pieces.

the next guy to be sentenced is the syrian, the king asks him what he wishes for and the syrian says instead of 1 pillow he wants 2 pillows,
again after the 10th whipping his pillow is ripped apart.

finally its the lebanese turn to be sentenced..
just as the king is asking him what he wishes for the queen interrupts "this guy is lebanese and i love lebanon and there people, so i grant him 2 wishes"
the king looks at the lebanese guy and says "u heard the queen, what is ur first wish?
the leb guy says " i wish for 40 whipping not 20"
the king looks startled and says "r u crazy, uve been sentenced to 20 whipping and ur asking for 40? have u gone crazy"
the leb guy says "the queen has granted me 2 wishes and this is my first wish i want done"
the king shakes his head and finaly says "fine, ur first wish is granted but what is ur 2nd wish?
the leb guy says "instead of the pillow i want the syrian on my back".


LOL

[Abou-Eddie]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a football."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your
boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my
cupboard now."

[Roas]

Sorry to write in Arabic: It's an old one :
Leish el sirlankiyé byetla3o tnein tnein 3ala el moto???
Wa7ad be 2ébba w wa7ad be nadif ta7ta :)

[Faithful]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and Hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

hahahaha this is really funny

[nadoush]

وزير الإتصالات : تلفنتلو رأسن جاني
وزير الزراعة : زارع أكبر باذنجاني
وزير الدفاع : علي أكبر مدفعجي
وزير الخارجية : سافر من شي شهر
وزير الطاقة : مفجر آباري
وزير الداخلية :قامع أكبر تظاهراتي
وزير النقل : منتظر فان تجاني
وزير الصحة : خابط أكبر أبري


وتلقى الرئيس برقيات تهنئة من الرئيس الصيني " من شان شو" ووزير خارجيته " مو ميشان شي " . ومن نظيره الفرنسي " جاك من وراك " كما تلقى اتصالا من وزير الخارجية الكويتي "فايق من أول الصباح" ثم القطري " كل ما ضربتو آل تاني" اما السفير الروسي "هجم بلا خوف" فتمنى نجاح التشكيلة الوزارية الجديدة !
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