Old and New Jokes!!!

[Superman]

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?"

[Superman]

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?"

[JulesK]

One night, 4 MBA students were playing till late night and didn't study for

the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and

dirt. they then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a

wedding last

night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push

the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for

the test.

So the dean said they can have the retest after 3 days.

They said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the dean.

The dean said that this was a special condition test.

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

q .1( 2 marks )

Your name

q.2.( 98 marks )

Which tyre burst?

a) front left

b) front right

c) back left

d) back right

Good Luck

[Inanna]

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the
phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

[JulesK]

A world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was... : "Would you please give your
honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of
the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...:

In Africa they didn't know what " food " means.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what " honest " means.

In Western Europe they didn't know what " shortage " means.

In China they didn't know what " opinion " means.

In the Middle East they didn't know what " solution"
means.

In South America they didn't know what " please " means.

In the USA they didn't know what " the rest of the world " means.

[3i3o]

A man marries a deaf girl. He mimes: "let's make a code: if I

want sex,



I will squeeze your breast.


In response, you can pull my ***** once for Yes,
and 50 times for No"

[3i3o]

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

[3i3o]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on

shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,

screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a

battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******,"

She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me

all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says calmly: "I'll explain the toy
.

.

.
you explain the kids."

[freak]

Found this on some other forum.. Starts funny but gets a bit boring at the end (i think)

المذيع: مساء الخير وليد بيـ ...
جنبلاط مقاطعاً: خير؟ ليش من وين بدّو يجي الخير و سوريا موجودة؟.. سورية تريد تدمير لبنان والوطن العربي والكرة الأرضية... أكيد سورية... سورية.
المذيع: وليد بيك طوّل با..
جنبلاط: طوّل؟ ليش بإيدي إني طوّل أو ما طوّل, بيجوز ما طوّل لأنو سورية تريد قتلي وقتل كل اللبنانيين.
المذيع: يا وليد بيك طوّل بالك مو هاد هو الموضوع اللـ..
جنبلاط: لاء يا سيدي هاد هو الموضوع, وموضوع حد بيتي, حد المختارة, والسوريين اللي وضعو مشان يموتوني لو ما الكلب تبعي شافو وحكالي وتداركنا الموقف.
المذيع: ليش الكلب تبعك بيحكي وليد بيك؟
جنبلاط: لك قصدي وائل بو فاعور.
المذيع: وليد بيك: لبنانياً ما..
جنبلاط: طبعاً لبنانياً, أكيد لبنانياً ولن نقبل بأن يكون سورياً أبداً.
المذيع: أقصد في الوضع اللبناني, ما هو رأيك بما يُطرح حالياً حول موضوع الوحدة الو...
جنبلاط: مش بس الوحدة... الوحدة والفتوة والكرامة وتشرين واليقظة وكل الأندية السورية تريد تدمير وتمزيق الرياضة في لبنان.
المذيع: لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله خليني كمّل السؤال!
أقصد موضوع الوحدة الوطنية.
جنبلاط: وأنا شو دخلني بالوحدة الوطنية؟ ليش سمعان إني اشتغلت بالوحدة الوطنية من قبل؟
.
المذيع: هل صحيح أنك تمنيت لو تكون زبّال في الولايات المتحدة؟
جنبلاط: نعم صحيح.
المذيع: يقول الشاعر الـ...
جنبلاط: يقول شو ما يقول أكيد عميل للنظام الأمني السوري اللبناني.
المذيع: بس أنا قصدي لبيد بن ربيعة وهو شاعر جاهلي! يقول:
وظلم ذوي القربى أشد مضاضة على النفس من وقع الحسام المهند
جنبلاط: شفت انو توجهاتو سورية!
المذيع: كيف يعني؟
جنبلاط: آخر كلمتين بالبيت... الحسام المهند, قصدو على حسام مدنية ومهند مشلح اللي طلعو بسوبر ستار وحسام ومهند سوريين, بس الحمد لله ما ربحوا.
المذيع: ماذا يفعل اللقاء الديمقراطي هذه الأيام؟
جنبلاط: والله لقاءات ديمقراطية مع الأخوة الأمريكيين, وشوية عرب, وكلو لمصلحة لبنان.
المذيع: في نهاية اللقاء ماذا تحب أن تقول؟
جنبلاط: والله حالياً القول للشيخ سعد لأن الأوامر الأمريكية تصل إليه في البداية وبعد ذلك يبلغنا وننفذها بكل ديمقراطية وشفافية

المذيع: وبالنسبة لاهتماماتكم الشخصية؟
جنبلاط: سورية سورية سورية سورية سوري

[Chief]

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor,
get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombedyour Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg,
you're all the same."