Old and New Jokes!!!

[Superman]

Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says "*******" written in ****. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?" And Bill says, "What's the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill yells, "That dirty no good son of a bitch!!!!! What's the worse news?" So the agent says, "It was Hillary's handwriting..."

[Superman]

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

[Superman]

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

"You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first."

"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, ay."

"My turn," said the second explorer. "N, ay."

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

[Superman]

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

[Superman]

What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

[JulesK]

A Lebanese, a Syrian, and a Black man are in a hospital.

All of their wives are having babies. They are nervous, anxious
and talking to each other to calm down.
After a while, the doctor walks in and announces that all of
their wives gave birth to healthy baby boys all within minutes of
each other.

But then the doctor says: "But i have a bit of bad news."
The men fell silent. He continues, "The nurse got confused and
we don't know which baby belongs to whom".

At that the Lebanese man runs to the maternity ward and grabs
the black baby screaming: This one is mine."!

The doctor runs after him and says: "But both you and your wife
are white.

"The Lebanese man looks at him and replies: "Listen one of the
other two is Syrian. I am NOT taking any risks.

[freak]

Originally Posted by Jules3

A Lebanese, a Syrian, and a Black man are in a hospital.

All of their wives are having babies. They are nervous, anxious
and talking to each other to calm down.
After a while, the doctor walks in and announces that all of
their wives gave birth to healthy baby boys all within minutes of
each other.

But then the doctor says: "But i have a bit of bad news."
The men fell silent. He continues, "The nurse got confused and
we don't know which baby belongs to whom".

At that the Lebanese man runs to the maternity ward and grabs
the black baby screaming: This one is mine."!

The doctor runs after him and says: "But both you and your wife
are white.

"The Lebanese man looks at him and replies: "Listen one of the
other two is Syrian. I am NOT taking any risks.

Nice.. Have seen this before in here though

[Superman]

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Superman]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to
fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking
sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.

[Superman]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"