Old and New Jokes!!!

[Superman]

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face. The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.
The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."

[Superman]

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

[Superman]

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering
a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying *******!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.

He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with
a shovel."

"**** tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.

To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons
for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never
had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

[Superman]

Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, "Soviet Discus Team." The guard says "pass".

The second guy is carring a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, "East German Pole Vaulting Team." The guard says "pass".

The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, "Polish Fencing Team." "Pass..."

[Superman]

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ***.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

[marisha]

Why I Fired My Secretary ...

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too
good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would
be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a
present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any
happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children
will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a
private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's
such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office,
do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her
apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into
the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!"
I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children,
and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----

naked.

[Kakou]

Kids are quick.



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

[JulesK]

Medical Receptionists: They always ask at the doctor's office why
you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's
wrong and Sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse
than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong
with you in a room full of other patients.
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this
old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk....

-The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
>today??"
-"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
-The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
-Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
-The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
-The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room
full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass
anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
I can't **** out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[Superman]

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

[Superman]

At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.

Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"