Old and New Jokes!!!

[Kakou]

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said,
"If you do, I won't go!"

[Kakou]

BOSS: said to an employee:
"Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied

BOSS: "Well, there is now."
"After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you."

[Kakou]

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?" No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?" Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

[Superman]

A woman goes to her doctor and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens".

So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?"

And the docter replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens".

So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens?"

The next morning a little boy comes in and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my **** hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying "here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

[Superman]

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really **** me off. You ARE on the other side!"

[Superman]

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."

The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."

Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

[coralie]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man.

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

"Incredible", said the man. And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Ghandi's clock.The hands have moved twice, telling us that Ghandi told only two lies in his entire life.

"Where's Geagea's clock?" asked the man.

"Geagea's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ..........

[3i3o]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
>>this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp -and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[3i3o]

A Homsi doctor wanted to go hunting for the weekend.

So he called his assistant Hassoun and told him:

Ya Hassoun, I will go hunting tomorrow however we will not close the clinic.

You will manage some patients. I’m sure you’ll do an excellent job.

Hader Sidi replied Hassoun.

When the doctor returned on the next day, he asked to see Hassoun and said:

Chou ya Hassoun, Shlone kan nharak?

Sidi, three patients came in yesterday:

The first one had a “soda3” and I gave him a Panadol.

The second came in with “maghess” and I gave him some Lomotile ya sidi.

Bravo ya Hassoun said the doctor. “inta chater”. What about the third?

Sidi as I was sitting here, suddenly, the door opened and a woman rushed in like a “saroukh”, took her clothes off and ripped away her “sidriyeh wl kalsone” and lied down on the examination table crying out loud: “Dakheelkon, Iha’ouni, sar li khams sneen ma shift rijjal”…

Akhhhh…, what did you do ya Hassoun?

Sidi, “Atar tilla bi 3ayna”…

[Roas]

L'ambassadeur d'Arabie Saoudite vient de terminer son discours; il sort de la salle et va dans un salon où il rencontre Bush.
Poignées de mains chaleureuses, etc.; l'ambassadeur demande à Bush :
- Dites-moi, j'ai une question concernant quelque chose que j'ai vu en Amérique .
- Votre Eminence, si je peux vous aider,
- Mon fils a vu cette série Star Trek où il y a des Russes, des Noirs et des Asiatiques mais pas d'Arabes. Il ne comprend pas pourquoi il n'y a pas d'Arabes.
Bush éclate de rire, s'approche de lui et lui murmure à l'oreille :
- C'est parce que ça se passe dans le futur.

Déjeuner à la Maison Blanche avec Bush, Blair et d'autres invités.
L'un d'eux demande au président :
- Mais au fait de quoi parlez-vous toute la journée?
Bush répond :
- Nous planifions la 3ème guerre mondiale
- Et elle sera comment ?
- Nous tuerons 4 millions de musulmans et un dentiste.
L'invité est perplexe :
- Un dentiste ? Comment ça ?
Blair tape alors sur l'épaule de Bush et lui dit :
- Qu'est ce que je t'avais dit, George, personne ne s'inquiète pour les musulmans!

A la question de savoir ce qu'il fera après la guerre d'Irak, Bush répond :
- Nous partagerons l'Irak en 3 parties : Super, Super Plus et Sans Plomb.

Kofi Annan à Bush :
- Quelle preuve avez-vous que l'Irak possède des armes de destruction massive?
- Nous avons gardé les factures.

Dieu a dit: - Il faut pacifier. Il faut désarmer.
Bush a compris: - Il faut pas s'y fier. Il faut des armées.