Old and New Jokes!!!

[Bachir]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"
The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the Principal's office. While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave and so she agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principle: 3 x 3
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Anna says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree. Ms Anna asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy. After a moment “Legs."
Ms Anna: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy. "Pockets."
Ms Anna: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy. Coconut
Ms Anna: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, but the boy was taking charge.
Boy. Bubblegum
Ms Anna: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Boy. Shake hands
Ms Anna: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy. Yep.
Ms Anna: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy. Tent
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy. Wedding Ring
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy. Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy. Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy. Fire truck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy. Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy. SURNAME
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love
Boy. HEART .
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,"Send this boy to Stanford University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Bachir]

Walid Jumblat = abou Taymour
Nabih Berri = abou Moustapha
Hariri = abou Bahaa
Michel Aoun = abou serra

[King Rami]

اصدرت رئاسة مجلس الوزراء مذكرة ادارية اعلنت فيها توقف العمل في الادارات العامة والمؤسسات العامة والبلديات، يوم الجمعة 13 نيسان 2007، بمناسبة مرور 372 سنة على ذكرى استشهاد الأمير فخر الدين وعائلته الابرار

[Superman]

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

[di]

hareeree and jaja and Aoun were swimming in the sea and were swallowed by a whale so hareeree says to the whale I will give you all I have money and everything just let me go so the whale let hareeree go Aoun says I will give you my popularity but please let me go so the whale let AOUN go hareeree and Aoun swam to the shore and they find jaja sitting comfortably with his arguile on the shore having a nice tan .. so they( being surprised how he arrived before them even though they left and he was supposed to be still behind ) asked him" how did u get here" and jaja says u see as soon as the whale asked what my name is and I said samir jaja "ikht foo" he spat me out and wasalnee to the shore ...

[Superman]

DUI

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

[lebanese_a]

Wasn't sure if I should post this one, it is funny if your not an FPMer or an FPMer that doesn't mind jokes bass anyways if you don't like it remove it.

Hassan Nassrallah 3taraf that the arms in the truck were for him but said that l tébnéte lal tayyar

[Superman]

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"

[Superman]

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

[Superman]

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.