Old and New Jokes!!!

[El]

why is Geagea called Dr.?
because all his followers are sick. Lol.

how do you know if a baby is Aouniste?
if when born , he pees on the HAKIM.

[freak]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.


(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains


(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[Kakou]

-Quel est le comble de la paresse?
*Se marier à une femme enceinte.

-Quel est le comble de la patience?
*Traire une puce avec des gants de boxe
OU
Torcher le cul d'un éléphant avec un confetti plié en quatre!

-Quel est le comble du pilote de ligne?
*S'arrêter sur le mur de son pour faire pipi!

-Quel est le comble de la science?
*Un cheval-vapeur qui mange des racines carrées dans un champ magnétique!

-Quel est le comble de la propreté?
*Se laver les mains avant de réparer le moteur de sa voiture.
*Laver les assiettes jetables avant de les jeter.
*Laver son linge propre en famille.
*SALIR UNE RÉPUTATION POUR S'EN LAVER LES MAINS!

-Quel est le comble de la concupiscence?
*Une nonne qui s'accroupit dans un champ de concombres.

-Quel est le comble du gynécologue?
*C'est d'être le SEUL à TRAVAILLER là où les autres S'AMUSENT!!

-Quel est le comble de la connerie?
*Tourner autour d'un arbre pour essayer de se rattraper!

-Quel est le comble de l'économie?
*Ne pas regarder à travers ses lunettes pour ne pas les user.

-Quel est le comble du micro-informaticien?
*Déshabiller une souris pour habiller sa maîtresse.

-Quel est le comble du médecin?
*Examiner un crayon pour voir s'il a bonne mine!

-Quel est le comble des combles?
*C'est lorsqu'un muet dit à un sourd qu'un aveugle les observe et qu'un cul-de-jatte court les dénoncer à la police!

-Quel est le comble de l'avarice?
*Vomir entre ses dents pour garder les plus gros morceaux!

-Quel est le comble de l'horreur?
*Glisser sur une rampe d'escalier et s'apercevoir que c'est une lame de rasoir!!

-Quel est le comble de l'électricien?
*Pisser au bas d'un poteau pour faire monter le jus!

-Quel est le comble du magicien?
*Oublier sa baguette chez le boulanger.

-Quel est le comble de l'optimisme?
Aller dans un restaurant chic et compter sur la perle qu'on trouvera dans une huître pour payer le repas.

-Quel est le comble d'un serrurier?
*C'est d'être sous les verrous!

-Quel est le comble du racisme?
*Prendre un Black&White dans deux verres séparés(ROTFL)

Enjoy!! Coming back with some OTHERS!!

[coralie]

pour toi Kakou

quel est le comble d'un architecte ?
- faire ses plans avec ls regles de sa femme !

quel est le comble d'un dentiste ?
- c'est de rentrer a la maison et de trouver sa femme avec un MALE dedant (un mal de dent )

[Kakou]

Originally Posted by coralie

pour toi Kakou

quel est le comble d'un architecte ?
- faire ses plans avec ls regles de sa femme !

quel est le comble d'un dentiste ?
- c'est de rentrer a la maison et de trouver sa femme avec un MALE dedant (un mal de dent )

Read this:

Si vous voulez que votre épouse écoute réellement ce que vous lui dites, parlez-lui pendant votre sommeil!!

[EVIL]On estime que l'homme prononce en moyenne 5000 mots par jour et que la femme en énonce 7000. Le problème c'est que, quand je rentre du travail, j'ai épuisé mon quota, alors que ma femme n'a pas encore commencé ses 7000.... [/EVIL]

[Jerry]

>>>There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things
>>>in a
>>>long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
>>>This
>>>is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was
>>>transcribed
>>>from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless
>>>to
>>>say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
>>>suing
>>>the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>>>Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
>>>(Now
>>>I know why they record these conversations!):
>>>
>>>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help
>>>you?"
>>>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
>>>WordPerfect."
>>>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>>>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
>>>sudden
>>>the words went away."
>>>Operator: "Went away?"
>>>Caller: "They disappeared."
>>>Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
>>>Caller: "Nothing."
>>>Operator: "Nothing??"
>>>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
>>>type."
>>>
>>>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
>>>out??"
>>>Caller: "How do I tell?"
>>>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>>>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>>>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
>>>screen?"
>>>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
>>>accept anything I type."
>>>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>>>Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>>>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
>>>like
>>>a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>>>Caller: "I don't know."
>>>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
>>>find
>>>where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>>>Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>>>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me
>>>if
>>>it's plugged into the wall.
>>>Caller: "Yes, it is."
>>>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you
>>>notice that
>>>there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>>>Caller: "No."
>>>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
>>>again
>>>and find the other cable."
>>>Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>>>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
>>>securely into the back of your computer."
>>>Caller: "I can't reach."
>>>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>>>Caller: "No."
>>>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something
>>>and
>>>lean way over??"
>>>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
>>>angle
>>>- it's because it's dark."
>>>Operator: "Dark??"
>>>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only
>>>light
>>>I have is coming in from the window.
>>>" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>>>Caller: "I can't."
>>>Operator: "No? Why not??"
>>>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>>>Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
>>>it
>>>licked now.
>>>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
>>>computer
>>>came in??"
>>>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>>>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
>>>pack
>>>it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
>>>store
>>>you bought it from."
>>>Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>>>Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>>>Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do
>>>I tell
>>>them??"
>>>Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a
>>>computer!!!!!"

[freak]

The following are excerpts from an interview with Lebanese political leader and son of assassinated ex-PM Rafiq Al-Hariri, Sa'd Al-Hariri, which aired on Al-Manar TV on May 29, 2005.

Hariri: We will run in the elections and continue in the path of the martyr Rafiq Al-Hariri. .......… .................................................. .................................................. .... Rafiq Al-Hariri's path IS the path taken by Rafiq Al-Hariri.

[coralie]

Originally Posted by freak

The following are excerpts from an interview with Lebanese political leader and son of assassinated ex-PM Rafiq Al-Hariri, Sa'd Al-Hariri, which aired on Al-Manar TV on May 29, 2005.

Hariri: We will run in the elections and continue in the path of the martyr Rafiq Al-Hariri. .......… .................................................. .................................................. .... Rafiq Al-Hariri's path IS the path taken by Rafiq Al-Hariri.

no i prefer the interview on CNN few month ago when he said so proudly we are against enrishing potassium in Iran ... that was the joke of the year ....LOOOOOOOL...

[coralie]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."

>>>The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, and he is good in bed, and gets along with my family, and doesn't watch al Jazeera all the time, and is faithful and loyal.
That is my wish….....a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the ******* map again."

[Bodhisattva]

Originally Posted by coralie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."

>>>The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, and he is good in bed, and gets along with my family, and doesn't watch al Jazeera all the time, and is faithful and loyal.
That is my wish….....a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."

where do you think she crossed the threshold? jazeera :D