Old and New Jokes!!!

[Kakou]

M arriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and

after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"


His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"



"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no

good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and

decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband

says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"


She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his

wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home

and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts

at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,

shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece

of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Kakou]

Une fée dit à un couple marié :
Pour avoir été un couple si exemplaire depuis 25 ans, je vous accorde à
chacun un voeu. La femme dit alors : je voudrais faire le tour du monde
avec mon mari adoré. La fée agite sa baguette magique, et abracadabra, des
billets d'avion apparaissent dans la main de la femme.
Maintenant c'est au tour du mari : euh... C'est un instant très romantique,
mais une opportunité comme celle-là n'arrive qu'une fois dans la vie.
Alors je suis désolé ma chérie, mais j'aimerais avoir une femme 30 ans plus
jeune que moi.
La femme est terriblement déçue, mais un voeu est un voeu. La fée fait un
cercle avec sa baguette magique.. Abracadabra ! Soudain le mari a 90 ans!
Les hommes sont peut-être des salauds, mais les Fées sont des femmes !!!

[Quite thunder]

L' AFRICAIN ET LE CRAPAUD

Il était une fois un Africain qui n'aimait pas la plus belle
partie de son corps.Elle mesurait 50cm !
C'était trop long, même pour lui.

Désespéré, il alla voir un sorcier pour trouver de l'aide.
Après réflexion, le sorcier lui dit :
- "Va à la mare trouver le crapaud.
Tu lui demanderas s'il veut t'épouser".
S'il répond non, tu perdras 10cm,
s'il répond oui, tu en gagneras 10 !

Après réflexion, l'homme décida d'essayer puisqu'il n'avait rien à
perdre.
En arrivant à la mare, il vit le crapaud et lui demanda :
- Crapaud veux-tu te marier avec moi ?
- "Non !"
L'homme repartit tout content et à peine arrivé à la maison mesura
ce qu'il lui restait et n'avait plus que 40cm.

Mais comme il n'était pas encore satisfait, il retourna à la mare
- "Crapaud veux-tu te marier avec moi ?"
- Non !
A la maison, il mesura l'engin qui ne faisait plus que 30cm.

Il se dit alors"20cm ce serait génial, la taille idéale!"
Retournant donc à la mare il demanda au crapaud :
- Crapaud, veux-tu te marier avec moi ?
Et le crapaud passablement énervé :
- "Putain mais t'es sourd ou quoi ??
Je t'ai dit NON, NON et NON

[Kakou]

Originally Posted by Quite thunder

L' AFRICAIN ET LE CRAPAUD

Il était une fois un Africain qui n'aimait pas la plus belle
partie de son corps.Elle mesurait 50cm !
C'était trop long, même pour lui.

Désespéré, il alla voir un sorcier pour trouver de l'aide.
Après réflexion, le sorcier lui dit :
- "Va à la mare trouver le crapaud.
Tu lui demanderas s'il veut t'épouser".
S'il répond non, tu perdras 10cm,
s'il répond oui, tu en gagneras 10 !

Après réflexion, l'homme décida d'essayer puisqu'il n'avait rien à
perdre.
En arrivant à la mare, il vit le crapaud et lui demanda :
- Crapaud veux-tu te marier avec moi ?
- "Non !"
L'homme repartit tout content et à peine arrivé à la maison mesura
ce qu'il lui restait et n'avait plus que 40cm.

Mais comme il n'était pas encore satisfait, il retourna à la mare
- "Crapaud veux-tu te marier avec moi ?"
- Non !
A la maison, il mesura l'engin qui ne faisait plus que 30cm.

Il se dit alors"20cm ce serait génial, la taille idéale!"
Retournant donc à la mare il demanda au crapaud :
- Crapaud, veux-tu te marier avec moi ?
Et le crapaud passablement énervé :
- "Putain mais t'es sourd ou quoi ??
Je t'ai dit NON, NON et NON

Le pauvre!!!

[Aroma]

I got this by email:
Hope you will love it....

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = baby

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[NASR_MIN_ALLAH]

( i hate forwards but some are cool ).


------------------------------HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS---------------------

*In U.S.A .................*

*1- Go to the club*
*2-catch a gurl and smile 4 her *
*3-Buy her a drink*
*4-some talking*
*5-then invite her home ..*


*In Europe*

*1-Go to skool *
*2-Find a Cute gurl in ur skool*
*3-ask her 4 date*
*4-go with her to the first date then walk with her to her house !!
kiss her!!
*5-go with her in a second date .. then walk with her to ur house!!
then invite her to the house .....*



*In Lebanon*

*1-Go buy A Cool Car (mishen el benet t7ebak)*
*2-Go and make ur hair In Versace (mishen tsir cool)*
*3-Go Drive In Kazdoura Or Tla3 3a Ehden(matra7 ykoun fi girls)
*4-Put Loud ENGLISH music (tab3an el shab bikoun 3am yhez raso wo mesh fehim shi men el song!!)*
*5-Start talking with a gurl (shou ya 7elwi ................ sho hal ta3jeh ya na3jeh ... like this )
*6-after 5-6 days of hard working in Driving u will catch one
(tab3an bta3teek ra2ma)
*7-start callin her daily u need 3 Alfa Credit Recharges In 1 month ..( tab3an kel el 7aki bekoon
wallah ana awal ma sheftek 7abaytik ................. inti awal wa7deh b7eba...ana yali b7eba wala momken khouna ... tab3an el shab bedal ye7ke !
wo after an hour of talking she says just
3 words : 1-yeah 2- Thanks 3-Bye
*8-after 1 month u ask her for the first date and u take her to
Cafe ...(tab3an el benet betjib kel ref2ata ma3a ! mishen
ya3touha ra2yon bel shab ! or mishen te2heron !
*9-at the end of date ! she have a call from her dad
(yalla 7abibti waynik la halla2 wo men hal 7ake)
*10- So she needs to go ! (tab3an el shab byetlob el bill ! wo
bisir ykhabiya 3an el 2a3deen ! 3ala 2ases inou el
shab el shahem yali ma bikhliya tedfa3 ! bas
el miskin metlabas fiya wo b ref2ata !! fa be7ot 40000 L.L !
wo mishen ybayen inou mesh se2len 3an el money ! byetrok Tips 5000 L.L ..

*11-Back to home and call her !! (tab3an el shab bikoun safef edem bayta wo
bye7kila : ya allah wallah tmanet inou el yom ma yekhlas ,, law
be2dar wa2ef el wa2et bass ,, ya 3omre kif ken shaklek wallah kenti mghatiyeh 3an
el kel ! wel gurl have 4 words this time :
1-Yeah 2-Thanks 3-mesh la hal darajeh ya3ne 4-bye

*12-After 2 Weeks u ask her 4 a Date ................ alone ................. (ba3ed alf mara tetrajeha maybe te2bal !
*13-Go to cinema (lezim shroot ! inou ma ykouno b ekher seat ! wo lezim ykoon
bayna wo bayno kerse wa7ad wo ma yetala3 fiya la2ana bet7eb
trakez bel movie ................
*14-After The movie u take her to walk (tab3an hiyeh mesh walk
hiyeh tal3et daraj 3al city complex

*15- u hold her hand (el security byetala3 fikon and wo bilaze2 fikon !
so el benet btez3al 2al lesh el security fakar tafkeer mesh mnee7 !
wo bterja3 3a bayta za3leni(inou 3ala ases heyi ktir sensitive wo ktir
mhazbi wo inou hal ma3ma3at ma bifoutou bi rasa w shou masket 2id
w hal 7araket el bala ta3me :P) wel shab birou7 bye3la2 ma3 el security
*16-After 1500 missed call the gurl answers and says
(sho badak?! 3ajabak ana 7ada yfaker inni B**** ...wo bel ekher
byetla3 el 7a2 3lekk lesh msaket her hand !)*
*17-U will go to Apologize 2 her .. (tab3an betroo7 bteshteri akbar wo 2at2al
hadeya...clothes,flowers,perfume and a big bear

*18- she will smile and back again ..*
*19-after 2 months u ask her for a date (tab3an ba3ed ma tkoon
nesyet sho sar hadek el yom ! mishen el benet kteer senstive
...7aram )*
*20-she will say yes (w bet2ilo ma t2elli wala tjebli siret el cine aw el city complex again !
wo 7zor sho? !
tab3an el shab b2illa 7ader

*21- she go on a drive with him in the car ( tab3an el shab bi7et slow songs !
wo bibalesh yet7atam eddema !
then bisof ma7al fadi !
wo byemsik 2ida wo bibalesh 7aki 7elo !

*22-then he get closer want to kiss her (3ala khadda tab3an !!)
hiyeh betseer tsarekh .. SHO SHAYFNE ANA ?? METEL EL BANET YALI KENET TE3REFON ,, ANA 3OMRO MA SHAB YELMESNI :s :s :s :s NAZELNI HALLA2 YALLA
*23-the gurl went to her home ..(el shab bidalo yde2ila wo her mob msakar ! wo bedal ylef wo ydawer jamb bayta wo be7et goerge wassouf
wo bebalesh ydakhen ! wo hiyeh la 7ayat Liman tounadi !!
*24-after 3 months (el shab bikon met7atem wo b 2arer yente7ir !
wo heyi betkoun la2et wa7ad tene wo sa7abeto w saret tedhar ma3o w nafs el 2essa :p!

*25- end of love storyy !
*26- wel shab 2a3ad 3a khazou2 :P






Yemkin its old but i just got it today and its so dam fun.

[Miriam]

wow, that's funny!

But I am not sure if in Lebanon we girls would like to have a guy that is basically a puppy following you around like that. I prefer a man who knows how to make a good conversation instead of putting loud english music and I don't care for the cool cars... (but I would accept the flowers and the perfume! )

[Superman]

LOL! That's one funny email Keep them coming NASR_MIN_ALLAH

Side note to Miriam, Lebanese girls usually tend to like attention and being followed by other guys

[Miriam]

Originally Posted by Superman

LOL! That's one funny email Keep them coming NASR_MIN_ALLAH

I agree! I couldn't stop to laugh with it, thanks NASR!

Side note to Miriam, Lebanese girls usually tend to like attention and being followed by other guys

I know that, I am Lebanese and I am a girl .
What I wanted to say is I always distrust him until I know his real personality. I never blindly trust guys only because they are following me with a cool car, etc etc. About the funny email, 7 and 11 really cracked me up.

*7-start callin her daily u need 3 Alfa Credit Recharges In 1 month ..( tab3an kel el 7aki bekoon
wallah ana awal ma sheftek 7abaytik ................. inti awal wa7deh b7eba...ana yali b7eba wala momken khouna ... tab3an el shab bedal ye7ke !
wo after an hour of talking she says just
3 words : 1-yeah 2- Thanks 3-Bye

*11-Back to home and call her !! (tab3an el shab bikoun safef edem bayta wo
bye7kila : ya allah wallah tmanet inou el yom ma yekhlas ,, law
be2dar wa2ef el wa2et bass ,, ya 3omre kif ken shaklek wallah kenti mghatiyeh 3an
el kel ! wel gurl have 4 words this time :
1-Yeah 2-Thanks 3-mesh la hal darajeh ya3ne 4-bye

[NASR_MIN_ALLAH]

yeah this email was hilarious ..."el shab bidalo yde2ila wo her mob msakar ! wo bedal ylef wo ydawer jamb bayta wo be7et goerge wassouf
wo bebalesh ydakhen !" so true hahah.

btw guys i dont have much forwards la anno i asked my friends never to send them to my inbox unless they're REALLY good . i hate checking my mail everyday only to delete tens of lame fwds ..

so you gotta help me here lol.

here's another one kinda funny.

1- www.google.com
2- in the search box type : failure
3- click on I'm feeling lucky button.
4- lol