Old and New Jokes!!!

[Arze]

"Abu Abed in Sahet El Hourieh"

Abu Abed and his friend Abu Steif were amongst the protester in a tent in Sahet El Hourieh...

In the middle of the night Abu Abed woke up and starting shaking Abu Steif to wake up: Abu Steif...Abu Steif wake up... and tell me what do you see.... Do you see what I see ?

Abu Steif : I can see the sky... I can see the moon... I can see the stars...!

Abu Abed : And What does this mean to you ?

Abu Steif : This means " Freedom"... This means "Souverenity"... This means " Independence"...

Abu Abed: Come on you stupid jerk... Wake up... This means "Our tent was stolen ...!"

[coralie]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.



Many people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing”. Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You walk over to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

…That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to the guy and, while pointing at you, says "That's my friend and she's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him, you introduce yourself, and you get his telephone number. The next day, you call him and say: "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

…That's Telemarketing.

You see a good looking guy at a party. You straighten your dress, you walk over to him, and you pour him a drink. You say: "May I," as you reach up to straighten his tie, while brushing your body lightly against his arm. Then you say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

…That's Public Relations.

…You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks over to you and says, "I hear that you are fantastic in bed."

…That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and you see a good looking guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

…That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.

…That's Tech Support.

[Raulroger]

Two syrians decided to steal a Porsche and drive it all the way back to syria!
So one night they got into that Porshe and started on their way back ...halfway along the khaldeh road, the 2 syrians were giggling and very happy about what they had done...so one of them told the other to turn on the radio so they'd enjoy it even more..so when he turned on the radio the station shouted out "Houna Montecarlo"..(well known slogan)...so the syrians looked at each other in awe and marveled on how fast the Porsche car was !!!...(ouff ouff ouff sourna bi montecarlo !!)

hehe...Granted that this joke would sound better if it were told in Lebanese !

[dodzi]

What's the difference between a Dollar and a Rouble?
A Dollar


Hariri went to visit Chirac at his palace in Elysée. Hariri was so impressed about the beauty and the size of the palace that he asked Chirac: How could you have built such an amazing palace? Chirac took Hariri to the window and said: "Do you see this bridge over there?" "Yes" answered Hariri. "1 million € were taken from the budget to build it, but it only cost 500.000€".
A year later, Hariri invited Chirac to Lebanon, after he had built an enormous palace, much bigger and beautiful than the one in Paris. Chirac was amazed, he asked Hariri "How on earth were you able to built such a great palace?" Hariri took Chirac to the window and said: "Do you see the bridge over there?" Chirac answered "No, I don't"... "That's how!"

[JulesK]

you better like this one coz it took me like 3 hours to write this in arabic
a lebanese guy wrote this on his car:

عون رجع*
جعجع طلع*
لحود باقي*
أنا مسافر*
والسيارة للبيع!!! *

[lebanese_a]

you better like this one coz it took me like 3 hours to write this in arabic
a lebanese guy wrote this on his car:

عون رجع*
جعجع طلع*
لحود باقي*
أنا مسافر*
والسيارة للبيع!!! *

LOOOL thanks for your time!!!

[GeaGea SkyWalkeR]

Originally Posted by Big_Brother

You know you are Lebanese when

* You make Turkish coffee before leaving home, when getting to the office, after lunch, when having guests, before the guests leave, after the guests leave and before going to bed.

* When shops have sale they call your mom.

* You call an older person you've never met before "Ammo" or "Khaltu".

* You hide everything from your parents, but they still think they know everything about you, and make you believe that they actually do.

* People are never happy with what you've achieved. If you graduated from school they'll tell you "Oqbal el Shahadeh el kbeereh", and when u get that "Oqbal el Aroos or Areees", and when you get that "Oqbal ma nefrah be aoulad-kum", and when you get that "Oqbal ma tefrahu bi shahadit-hum", etc...

* If you are a boy you start worrying about the Swiss Mukhabarat when you reach puberty.

* Getting a visa to Europe or the States is like getting a baby, everybody tells you "mabrook"

* You learn how to beg the personnel at the airport to allow the excess baggage you've got as soon as your father stops doing that for you.

* You dream of holding a different passport.

* When you FLY BACK home you find 20 people waiting for you at the airport.

* Every time you fly back home you meet relatives you never knew existed, and they look nothing like your family.

* You look for universities as far away from home as possible.

* You always curse at Lebanese when you are back home, but when you live abroad you mostly make Lebanese friends.

* When you come back from University you still have to live with your parents, and fight over curfew all over again, as if you never left them before.

* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

* Everyone is a family friend.

* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

* You teach Westerners to swear words in your language.

* When you go on a date you start thinking of lousy places where nobody would go to so you won�t bump into family or friends.

* You end up in a lousy place and still bump into the relative with the biggest mouth.

* You think you are liberated when you can't even smoke in public.

* If you are 25 and not married yet, your parents make you feel that you are getting too old.

* Getting married becomes the only way you can escape your parents.

* You tell your friends how to rebel against their parents when you can't even stay out past midnight.

* You always say, "Open the light" instead of "Turn the light on" or "get down from the car" instead of "get out of the car."

* You pronounce your p's as b's (bebsi and bolice).

* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how he had to walk miles just to get to school.

* Your parents were ranked first in school.

* Your dad swears at you with words that affect him. (Ibnil kalb)

* You tell everyone that you are a "successful businessman back home" when you are really just an unemployed goat herder.

* You feel uncomfortable saying the word 'tease' in English.

* You eat mensef with your bare hands.

* You smoke as if there is no tomorrow and you only smoke MARLBORO REDS.

* You only walk on the streets in groups of seven or more people and talk really really loud in Lebanese together.

* You wear a black leather jacket, even when it is 100 degrees outside.

* You think its cool to dance and smoke at the same time.

* If you are a Lebanese girl you give the look of death to another Lebanese girl who looks better than you.

* Your aunt is always asking when she can dance at your wedding.

* When you share your problems with your relatives, their most likely response is: Allah Be Yefrejha.

Hahaha funny, i think every lebanes eperosn will have done or experienced those points.

[Inanna]

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter." As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?" John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager. John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."


"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

[coralie]

Subject: Chinese Names - Annie Wan

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

[Inanna]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."



A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"