Old and New Jokes!!!

[Inanna]

Originally Posted by coralie

When a woman says:



"This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and, you'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!”



A man hears:



blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA coralie some people are at work!
i think everybody here heard me laughing! and when i shared it they all went looooooooool!

[Arze]

Harry sat down in the hotel restaurant and said to the waiter: "I want to wait 20 minutes before you bring me a very small cup of coffee that tastes like something my dog would sneeze at. Then I want to wait another 20 minutes before you bring me burned bacon that is quite cold, 2 fried eggs with bits of black scrapings from the frying pan attached to them, burned toast that tastes like coal, warm butter almost running, and a very tiny amount of jam, already dried and tasteless.

"I don't know if we can serve you that, sir" said the puzzled waiter. "I never heard such an order before."

Harry: "Why, really? That is exactly what I got at this very table, yesterday!"

[GAGOO]

A Poem For Those Over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.

[lebanese_a]

Chirac et Bush sont dans un bar en Arabie Saoudite, en train de boire un verre d'alcool lorsque la police saoudienne les arrête.
La consommation d'alcool est une offense grave en Arabie Saoudite.
Ainsi, ils sont tous les deux condamnés sur le champ à 20 coups de fouet.
Alors qu'ils se préparent à leur punition, le cheik leur annonce:
- C'est l'anniversaire de ma première épouse aujourd'hui, et elle m'a demandé de permettre à chacun de vous d'exaucer un souhait avant d'être fouettés.

Bush étant le premier, il réfléchit pendant un moment puis dit:
- S'il vous plaît, attachez un oreiller dans mon dos.
Ceci fut fait, mais l'oreiller ne résista qu'à 10 coups de fouet. Quand la punition fut terminée, Bush dû être emporté en train de saigner abondamment et de pleurer de douleur.

Vient alors le tour de Chirac.
Le cheik se tourne vers lui et dit:
- Vous venez d'un des endroits les plus beaux du monde et votre culture est une des plus fines au monde. À cause de cela, vous avez le droit à deux souhaits!

Chirac lui répond:
- Soyez remerciée, votre très royale Altesse pleine de miséricorde. En reconnaissance de votre bonté, mon premier voeu sera que vous ne me donniez pas 20, mais CENT coups de fouet!
- Non seulement vous êtes un honorable et puissant gentilhomme, mais vous êtes aussi très brave. Si tel est votre souhait, qu'il en soit ainsi. Et quel sera votre second souhait? demanda le Cheik:
- Attachez-moi Bush sur le dos.



- Dis papa, quelle est la différence entre la richesse et la pauvreté?
- La richesse, c'est le caviar, le champagne et les femmes.
- Et la pauvreté?
- C'est le balloné, la bière et... ta mère.



Un homme lit le journal et dit à son épouse:
- Savais-tu que les femmes utilisent 30,000 mots par jour et les hommes 15,000. La femme lui répond:
- C'est facile à expliquer, il faut toujours répéter deux fois la même chose aux hommes.
L'homme se retourne et dit:
- Quoi?


Au cours d'une querelle de ménage, une dame lance à son mari :
- Tu sais, avant de t'épouser, j'ai reçu des demandes en mariage d'hommes
beaucoup plus intelligents que toi ...
- Oh ! Je te crois sans peine, fait le mari. La preuve, c'est qu'ils n'ont pas fait l'erreur que j'ai commise.


Comment la blonde a-t-elle obtenu son examen de Biologie ?
- En donnant son corps à la science

[Inanna]

Un homme lit le journal et dit à son épouse:
- Savais-tu que les femmes utilisent 30,000 mots par jour et les hommes 15,000. La femme lui répond:
- C'est facile à expliquer, il faut toujours répéter deux fois la même chose aux hommes.
L'homme se retourne et dit:
- Quoi?

and coming from a guy! good sign!
did you get it or do i have to repeat it!?!

[lebanese_a]

Originally Posted by Inanna

and coming from a guy! good sign!
did you get it or do i have to repeat it!?!

there is 2 "femmes" jokes, maybe you didn't notive them coz ur not married so I am sure you will like this one:

Dieu créa les animaux, beaux
Dieu créa la nature, belle
Dieu créa l'homme, beau
dieu créa la femme, "elle se maquillera", dit-il.



And here's a real funny (u have to speak french to understand it and read it 3a sot wateh)

Apprendre le japonais facile

Lire à haute voix (c'est mieux pour la mémorisation !

- FRANCAIS / JAPONAIS
- Slip (H) / Sakakiki
- Slip (F) / Sakafoufoun
- Slip (enfant) / Sakakaka
- String / Filakuku
- Soutien-gorge / Sakanéné
- Minijupe / Oraduku
- Minijupe plus courte / Ylatouvu
- Minijupe provocante / Oraduku takataté
- Moto en panne / Yamamoto kadératé
- Moto accidentée / Takasé tamoto
- Inventeur du marteau / Ayaya Médoi
- Il fait froid ce matin / Sakaï sakaï !
- Femme enceinte / Ymatoumi
- Femme n'arrivant pas à être enceinte / Takékétaraté-takarataké
- Femme venant de faire l'amour / Ymaniké
- Femme poilue / Tétoufu
- Rhume / Nékicoul
- Cassoulet / Takapété
- Soixante-neuf / Kisuski
- Enlève tes chaussures / Takakitététong
- Où sont tes chaussures ? / Outamitétong
- Déshabille-toi entièrement / Takatoukité
- Prendre une photo / Yakapa bougé
- Devant la porte / Nakasoné
- Amiral de la flotte / Ychi Duoduma
- Terrain glissant / Tadérapé téfoutu
- Ta femme te trompe / Tekoku
- Femme trompée / Imafé koku
- Ta femme t'a largué / Tanana takité
- Fonctionnaire mal noté / Imasaké
- Recours en notation rejeté / Tula danlku

[Inanna]

received this one today:
i think it's a bit mean regarding kids, but let's all take it as a joke!


>>TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
>>MARIA : Here it is!
>>TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
>>CLASS : Maria!
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>
>>TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
>>FRANK : Because of the sign.
>>TEACHER : What sign?
>>FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
>>floor?
>>JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>
>>TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>>GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>>TEACHER : No, that's wrong
>>GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell
>>it!
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
>>DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
>>TEACHER : What are you talking about?
>>DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>
>>TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that
>>we didn't
>>have ten years ago.
>>WINNIE : Me!
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
>>GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
>>are.
>>
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>>MILLIE : I is...
>>TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
>>MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
>>alphabet."
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
>>TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
>>time."
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
>>cherry tree,
>>but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
>>didn't
>>punish him?"
>>LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
>>before
>>eating?
>>SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
>>________________________________________________ ___________
>>TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
>>same as
>>your brother's. Did you copy his?
>>CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
>>________________________________________________ __________
>>TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
>>when people
>>are no longer interested?
>>HAROLD : A teacher.

[Chief]

Originally Posted by Inanna

and coming from a guy! good sign!
did you get it or do i have to repeat it!?!

No please can somebody repeat it?

Now seriously, why do you think that we have to hear you twice in order to get you? One of the causes may be that most of the ladies usually doesnt have much interesting stuff to say...

Okay, I am out before the strike back of lfpm.org ladies...

C H I E F
:logo:

[Orangina]

Originally Posted by Chief

No please can somebody repeat it?

Now seriously, why do you think that we have to hear you twice in order to get you? One of the causes may be that most of the ladies usually doesnt have much interesting stuff to say...

Okay, I am out before the strike back of lfpm.org ladies...

C H I E F
:logo:

Actually i think that when a woman talk to a man he does not give lot of interest in what she is saying until she ask "did you get it?" so at this precise moment the man ask his famous question "what?" and the woman finds herself obliged to repeat again!!

right?

[lebanese_a]

Originally Posted by Inanna

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

The answer the teacher was expecting is:

As Chief said:

Originally Posted by Chief

Now seriously, why do you think that we have to hear you twice in order to get you? One of the causes may be that most of the ladies usually doesnt have much interesting stuff to say...

A Woman