Old and New Jokes!!!

[coralie]

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up!
Quick! My husband is back"
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his ***, then realizes: "****,I'm the husband!"


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wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

[coralie]

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet

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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told >me to give up my seat to a lady
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap

[coralie]

newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife"
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor"

[Black Stallion]

Bachar Assad goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and Bachar asks him what his name
is?
"Ali".
"And what is your question, Ali?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did Syria rules Lebanon for over 15 years?
Second, why you didn't know who kill Hariri if you were the ruler
of Lebanon?
And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?
Just then the bell rings for recess. Bachar al Assad informs the
kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Bachar says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand.
Bachar points him out and asks him what his name is?
"Teddy "
"And what is your question, Teddy?"
"I have 5 questions.
First, Why did Syria rules Lebanon for over 15 years?
Second, Why you didn't know who kill Hariri if you was the ruler
of Lebanon?
And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!

And fifth, where is "Ali"?!!

[Big_Brother]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello ."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[terror]

Here's a funny one, but mods please don't edit it- I mean it's only a joke:




In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every
day, for 60 years...

So she went to check it out. When she found the man, she
watched him pray for a good 45 minutes, and when he turned to leave, she
approached him for an interview.
I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to
the Wailing Wall to pray?"
For about 60 years."
60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a ******* wall."

[Superman]

Abu Abed was walking in his wife funeral laughing

Abu Steif : What is wrong with you , how can you laugh in your wife funeral?

Abu Abed : Well, I have been married to her for thirty years and this is this the first time I know where is she going to...!

[Lebanon_not_Arabic]

Nshallah te2ta3...bidoun censure


Mais qui a volé les vêtements de Moïse ?

Le conflit israélo-palestinien a motivé, une fois de plus, une réunion d'urgence à l'ONU.

La parole est donnée à l'ambassadeur Israélien:

- "Mesdames et messieurs, Avant de commencer mon discours, je voudrais narrer une vieille histoire... Lorsque Moïse conduisait les Hébreux hors d'Égypte, il du traverser des déserts, et des prairies, et encore des déserts... Son peuple était éreinté et avait besoin d'eau. Alors Moïse frappa la roche d'une montagne de sa canne, et au bord de cette montagne apparut un bassin rempli d'une eau fraîche claire comme le cristal. Le peuple s'en réjouit et tous burent pour leur plus grande satisfaction. Moïse souhaita alors nettoyer son corps; pour ce faire, il alla à l'autre bout du bassin, enleva tous ses vêtements et plongea dans les eaux fraîches de la mare. Quand Moïse sortit de l'eau, il se rendit compte que ses vêtements avaient été volés..."

L'ambassadeur Israélien marque alors une pause, puis il reprend :

"Eh bien, j'ai toutes les raisons de croire que ce sont les Palestiniens qui avaient volé ses vêtements !"

L'ambassadeur Palestinien manque de s'étouffer en entendant cette accusation. Il saute alors de son siège et crie :
-" C'EST UN MENSONGE!. Tout le monde sait qu'il n'y avait pas de Palestiniens à cette époque !!!"

Alors l'ambassadeur d'Israël reprend :
-" Et avec cela à l'esprit, laissez-moi maintenant commencer mon discours..."

[Superman]

Abu Steif traveled once to the United States and left his cat with Abu Abed. A week later, the cat died and Abu Abed called him and told him : Come back quickly your cat just died....

Au Steif came back to Beirut and said to Abu Abed: This was not the way to tell me that the cat died... Because of your phone call, I had a nervous break down.. You could have called first and told me for example that the cat went on top of the tree... The next day you could have called and told me , the cat failed down from the tree and we took her to the hospital.... After few days you could have told me that the cat died...

The following year, Abu Steif traveled to Germany. Few days later, Abu Abed called him and said : Abu Steif your mother went on top of the tree...!

[ul-eco-aouniste]

Le ministre de la santé visite un hôpital psychiatrique.
Pendant la visite , le ministre demande au directeur quel est le critère qui définit si un patient est guéri ou pas.

"Eh bien", dit le directeur, "Nous remplissons une baignoire et nous offrons une petite cuillère et une tasse à thé et nous demandons au patient de vider la baignoire".

"Je comprends, dit le ministre. Une personne normale choisit la tasse, qui est plus grande."

"Non!", répond le directeur, "Une personne normale tire le bouchon de la baignoire."