Old and New Jokes!!!

[Superman]

Originally Posted by Stella23

I like these cute silly ones, Tazz! Did you happen to write these sitcoms by yourself?

LOL! I write Stella, but so far i do not write any jokes

[Superman]

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

[Diam'S]

A:Iknow a man with a wooden leg named "SMITH"
B:And what's the name of th other leg??????

[someone]

Monsieur,
> >
> > Il y a un an et demi j'ai changé ma version Fiancée 7.0 par la version
> > Epouse 1.0 et j'ai observé que le programme a lancé une application
> > inattendue appelée Bébé 1.0 qui prend beaucoup d'espace dans mon
> disque dur.
> >
> > Dans la notice, cette application n'est pas mentionnée. D'autre part,
> > Epouse 1.0 s'auto installe dans tous les autres programmes, et se lance
> > automatiquement dès que j'ouvre n'importe quelle autre application,
> > parasitant l'exécution de celle-ci.
> > Des applications telles que Bière-Entre-Copains 10.3 ou
> > Vélo-Du-Dimanche-Matin 5.0 ne fonctionnent plus.
> >
> > De plus, de temps en temps se lance un programme occulte (virus ?)
> > appelé Belle-mère 1.0 lequel, soit plante le système, soit fait que
> > Epouse 1.0 se comporte de manière totalement inattendue.
> > Je n'arrive pas à désinstaller ce programme et ceci est très irritant,
> > surtout lorsque j'essaye d'exécuter l'application Dimanche-Câlin 3.0,
> il semblerait que certaines fonctionnalités aient des bugs, comme par
> > exemple = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />la commande > > C:\Petite_pipe_du_samedi.exe ne s'active plus.
> >
> > J'envisage de revenir au programme que j'avais avant (Fiancée 7.0)
> mais le processus de désinstallation d' Epouse 1.0 me semble fort complexe
> > et je ne mesure pas encore bien les risques que cela peut comporter pour
> > les autres applications comme Bébé 1.0, qui je l'avoue est très
> > convivial.
> >
> > Pouvez-vous m'aider ?
> >
> > Un utilisateur démoralisé.
> > __________________________________________________ _
> > REPONSE
> >
> > Cher Utilisateur :
> >
> > Votre plainte est très fréquente parmi les utilisateurs, mais elle est
> > due la plupart du temps à une erreur de conception de base. Beaucoup
> > d'utilisateurs passent de n'importe quelle version de Fiancée X.0 à
> > Epouse 1.0 avec l'idée fausse que Epouse 1.0 n'est qu'un programme
> > d'utilitaires et de divertissement.
> > Cependant, Epouse 1.0 est bien plus que ça : il s'agit d'un SYSTEME
> > D'EXPLOITATION COMPLET, créé pour contôler et gérer TOUTES vos
> > applications.
> >
> > Même problème avec Belle-mère X.0. Ces programmes sont d'anciennes
> > générations, desquels dérive Epouse X.0 et entraînent souvent des
> > problèmes de compatibilité. Avec un peu de chance, ils finissent par
> > Etre victime d'un virus et disparaissent au bout de plusieurs années.
> > Evitez aussi l'utilisation excessive des touches ESC ou SUPPR, car
> > vous devrez ensuite utiliser la commande :
> > C:\faire_des_excuses.exe/fleurs/all pour que le programme fonctionne
> > normalement.
> > Epouse 1.0 est un programme assez intéressant, mais qui peut générer
> > un cout élevé, s'il est mal utilisé. Je vous conseille d'installer un
> > software additionnel pour améliorer la rentabilité d'Epouse 1.0. comme
> > Leures 5.0, Bijoux 2.3, ou bien Séjour-Au-ClubMed 3.2.
> > Vous pouvez aussi vous servir de Ouimonamour 8.0 ou bien de
> > Tuasraisonmachérie 14.7.
> > Vous pouvez les télécharger sur Internet gratuitement à la différence
> > des autres softwares très couteux et leurs résultats sont assez
> > satisfaisants.
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTENTION : n'installez jamais Secrétairenminijupe 3.3 ou Petiteamie
> > 1.1.
> > Ces programmes ne fonctionnent pas dans l'univers d'Epouse 1.0 et
> > pourraient causer des dommages irréversibles dans le système.
> >
> > Quant à la fonctionnalité C:\Petite_pipe_du_samedi.exe, elle ne
> > s'activera qu'après l'exécution d'autres commandes comme
> > C:\Collier_en_diamant.exe ou
> > C:\souper_au_resto.exe.

[Jean]

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

[Jean]

Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

[Jean]

Q: Whats diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

[Tanios]

# 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
__________________________________________________ ________________
# 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
__________________________________________________ ________________
# 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

# 4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

# 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
__________________________________________________ ______________
# 6
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

# 7
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

# 8
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

[Jean]

Originally Posted by Tanios

# 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
__________________________________________________ ________________
# 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
__________________________________________________ ________________
# 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

# 4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

# 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
__________________________________________________ ______________
# 6
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

# 7
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

# 8
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllll l
great jokes
post some others tanios

[FOUSH]

Homsi nezil mn 3end el 7akim (doctor) wo2if w sar yfakkir: "shou 2alleh l7akim ya allah?? temse7 bel dmegh? 3asfour bel me3deh?? dalphin bel alb?? ya allah kif nsit?"
la2at el cell w da22allo "alo 7akim, dakhlak shou 2eltelleh ma3eh?"
2allo l7akim "saratan bel 7awd"