Old and New Jokes!!!

[Mitzidupree]

Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane.
The Arabs ask the Jew sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of
lemonade so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is up getting
the drinks, they spit in his shoes. When they are about to land the
Jewish guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He complains to the Arabs, "When will it all end? The hatred... the violence... the killing... the spitting in shoes... the peeing in lemonade juice..."

[coralie]

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

BOSS:"Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to
your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you."

[Rors]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this
new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the
appropriate
steps for your gender."


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find
diary with your PIN written on it.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[Tanios]

I hope PR will read previous post carefully... in order to improve. For the time begin she did never suceed this test... And she's not blonde!!

[coralie]

Vous ne vous êtes jamais trompé d'adresse E-mail. Mais parfois cela arrive. Ecoutez plutôt cette histoire: Voilà ce qui arrive lorsque l'on se trompe d'adresse email... Un couple de parisiens décide de partir en week-end à la plage et de descendre au même hôtel qu'il y a 20 ans, lors de leur lune de miel. Mais, au
dernier moment, à cause d'un problème au travail, la femme ne peut pas prendre son jeudi. Il est donc décidé que le mari prendrait l'avion le jeudi, et sa femme le lendemain. L'homme arrive comme prévu et après avoir loué la chambre d'hôtel, il se rend compte que dans la chambre, il y a un ordinateur avec
connexion Internet. Il décide alors d'envoyer un courrier à sa femme. Mais il se trompe en écrivant l'adresse. C'est ainsi qu'à Perpignan, une veuve qui vient de rentrer des funérailles de son mari mort d'une crise cardiaque reçoit l'email. La veuve consulte sa boîte aux lettres électronique pour voir s'il n'y a pas de messages de la famille ou des amis. C'est ainsi qu'à la lecture du premier d'entre eux,
elle s'évanouit. Son fils entre dans la chambre et trouve sa
mère allongée sur le sol, sans connaissance, au pied de l'ordinateur. Sur l'écran, on peut lire le message suivant : A mon épouse bien-aimée, Je suis bien arrivé.Tu seras certainement surprise de recevoir de mes nouvelles maintenant et
de cette manière. Ici, ils ont des ordinateurs et tu peux
envoyer des messages à ceux que tu aimes. Je viens d'arriver et
j'ai vérifié que tout était prêt pour ton arrivée, demain vendredi. J'ai hâte de te revoir. J'espère que ton voyage se passera aussi bien que s'est passé le mien.
PS. : Il n'est pas nécessaire que tu apportes beaucoup de
vêtements : Il fait une chaleur d'enfer ici !

[STeF]

One day a "Jamhour" fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Elie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in cabarets and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer
is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Elie aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works at the presidential palace in Baabda and
helped re-elect Emile Lahoud , but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids."

[sarah_32]

One day a "Jamhour" fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Elie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in cabarets and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer
is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Elie aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works at the presidential palace in Baabda and
helped re-elect Emile Lahoud , but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids."

hahahah good one

[Lebanoncitizen]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
>>>
>>>He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as
>>>the ground
>>>was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
>>>prison. The
>>>old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
>>>
>>>Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I
>>>won't be able
>>>to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to
>>>be digging
>>>up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I
>>>know you
>>>would dig the plot for me.
>>>
>>>Love Dad
>>>
>>>A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad,
>>>Don't dig up
>>>that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
>>>
>>>Love Vinnie
>>>
>>>At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
>>>and dug up
>>>the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
>>>old man
>>>and left.
>>>
>>>That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
>>>
>>>Dear Dad,
>>>
>>>Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
>>>under the
>>>circumstances.
>>>
>>>Love Vinnie

[coralie]

A little Syrian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking.

While playing, he wears a "Tarbouch" and a "Shirwal"... and says:

"Mom, look, I'm a Lebanese boy now. "!!

His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a Lebanese boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Look, Grandma, I'm a Lebanese boy."

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"

To which the boy replies:

"Sure did!! I've only been Lebanese for five minutes and I already hate you Syrians."

[PhoenixResurrection]

Originally Posted by Tanios

I hope PR will read previous post carefully... in order to improve. For the time begin she did never suceed this test... And she's not blonde!!

say again?! was that supposed to be a funny post? or just a stupid comment?