Old and New Jokes!!!

[joe tayyar]

Wife asks her husband:

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies:

"Only you Darling; with all the others, I was awake!"

[joe tayyar]

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He
took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was
enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair..
This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even
higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was
a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I
can get away from him with no problem' thought the man
and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at
over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to
the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to
catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the
Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday
the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week
my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were
bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'

[Nayla]

سمعت الصحيفة المشهورة بهذه الزيجة

التـــي استمرت ستون عاماً دون أي منغصــات، و زادت الدهشة
عندما وصلت تقارير المراسلين تقول أن الجيران أجمعوا على أن الزوجين عاشا حياة مثالية ، و لم تدخل المشاكل أبداً
إلى بيت هذين الزوجين السعيدين

هنا أرسلت الصحيفة أكفأ محرريها ليعد تحقيقاً مع الزوجين المثاليين ، و ينشره ليعرف الناس كيف يصنعون حياة زوجية سعيدة

المهم
المحرر قرر أن يقابل كلا الزوجين على انفراد ، ليتسم الحديث بالموضوعية و عدم تأثير الطرف الآخر عليه


و بدأ بالزوج


سيدي ، هل صحيح أنك أنت و زوجتك عشتما ستين عاماً في حياة زوجية سعيدة بدون أي منغصات ؟


نعم يا ولــدي


و لما يعود الفضل في ذلك ؟

يعود ذلك إلى رحلة شهر العسل

فقد كانت الرحلة إلى أحدي البلدان التي تشتهر بجبالها الرائعه
و في أحد الأيام ، استأجرنا بغلين لنتسلق بهما إحدى الجبال ، حيث كانت تعجز السيارات عن الوصول لتلك المناطق ..
و بعد أن قطعنا شوطاً طويلا ، توقف البغل الذي تركبه زوجتي و رفض أن يتحرك

غضبت زوجتي و قالت : هذه الأولى

ثم استطاعت أن تقنع البغل أن يواصل الرحلة

بعد مسافة ، توقف البغل الذي تركبه زوجتي مرة أخرى و رفض أن يتحرك

غضبت زوجتي و صاحت قائلةً : هذه الثانية

ثم استطاعت أن تجعل البغل أن يواصل الرحلة

بعد مسافة أخرى ، وقف البغل الذي تركبه زوجتي و أعلن العصيان كما في المرتين السابقتين

فنزلت زوجتي من على ظهره ، و قالت بكل هدوء : و هذه الثالثة

ثم سحبت مسدساً من حقيبتها ، و أطلقت النار على رأس البغل ، فقتلته في الحال

ثارت ثائرتي ، و انطلقت اوبخها
لماذا فعلت ذلك ؟
كيف سنعود أدراجنا الآن ؟
كيف سندفع ثمن البغل ؟

انتظرت زوجتي حتي توقفت عن الكلام ، ونظرت إليّ بهدوء و قالت

هذه الأولى ........!!!!!!

ومن يومها وأنا ساكت

[Rors]

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

[shevchenco]

Interpreting bra sizes:


{A} Almost bo.obs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.

[Abou-Eddie]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? You're crazy to go to Rome. It's crowded and dirty. So, how are you getting there?

"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser", that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called "Teste" .

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everyone thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive but it's really a dump".

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope".

"That's rich", laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it".

A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new 'planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

The hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million Euro refit and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well", muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope", did you?
The customer said, "Actually,we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd like to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said: "Who the **** does your hair?"

[Abou-Eddie]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and booze and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

[Boris®]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and booze and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

loooooll, u just made my day with that ^^

[Nayla]

Le mariage d'un homme de 80 ans et d'une femme de 20 ans était la discussion du village.
Après un an de mariage, le couple se présente à l'hôpital pour la naissance de leur premier enfant. L'infirmière sort de la salle d'accouchement pour féliciter le vieil homme et lui dit
«C'est étonnant. Comment faites vous à votre âge?»
Le vieil homme sourit et dit,
«Vous devez garder le moteur en marche.»
L'année suivante, le couple se présente à l'hôpital pour la naissance de leur deuxième enfant.
La même infirmière s'occupe de l'accouchement et sort pour féliciter le vieil homme.
Elle dit, «Monsieur, vous êtes incroyable.
Comment y arrivez-vous?»
Le vieil home sourit et dit,
«Vous devez garder le moteur en marche.»
Un an plus tard, le couple se présente àl'hôpital pour la naissance de leur troisième enfant.
La même infirmière s'occupe de l'accouchement, et après la naissance elle va encore voir le vieil homme,
lui sourit et lui dit, «Vous êtes vraiment incroyable. Comment faites vous?»
Le vieil homme sourit et dit,
«C'est comme je vous ai déjà dit, vous devez garder le moteur en marche.»
L'infirmière continue de sourire, lui donne une petite tape sur l'épaule et lui dit,
«Bien, je crois qu'il est temps de changer l'huile, celui-ci est noir.»

[ElieEk]

Originally Posted by Nayla

Le mariage d'un homme de 80 ans et d'une femme de 20 ans était la discussion du village.
Après un an de mariage, le couple se présente à l'hôpital pour la naissance de leur premier enfant. L'infirmière sort de la salle d'accouchement pour féliciter le vieil homme et lui dit
«C'est étonnant. Comment faites vous à votre âge?»
Le vieil homme sourit et dit,
«Vous devez garder le moteur en marche.»
L'année suivante, le couple se présente à l'hôpital pour la naissance de leur deuxième enfant.
La même infirmière s'occupe de l'accouchement et sort pour féliciter le vieil homme.
Elle dit, «Monsieur, vous êtes incroyable.
Comment y arrivez-vous?»
Le vieil home sourit et dit,
«Vous devez garder le moteur en marche.»
Un an plus tard, le couple se présente àl'hôpital pour la naissance de leur troisième enfant.
La même infirmière s'occupe de l'accouchement, et après la naissance elle va encore voir le vieil homme,
lui sourit et lui dit, «Vous êtes vraiment incroyable. Comment faites vous?»
Le vieil homme sourit et dit,
«C'est comme je vous ai déjà dit, vous devez garder le moteur en marche.»
L'infirmière continue de sourire, lui donne une petite tape sur l'épaule et lui dit,
«Bien, je crois qu'il est temps de changer l'huile, celui-ci est noir.»

hahahah looolll ktir helweeee