Old and New Jokes!!!

[PFC]

A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor.

The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?"

The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell."

The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"

The man said, "Sure, I love to drink."

The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"

The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?"

The man said, "Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"

The man said, "Yes, I love to gamble."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night--black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?"

The man said, "Well, no I'm not."

The counselor replied, "Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you..."

[PFC]

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his *****, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his ***** pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ***!".

[joe tayyar]

Fi tnein feto 3ind el 7allak

wa7ad khafaf wil teneh dal feyit bil mreyeh

[Layyouss]

Originally Posted by joe tayyar

Fi tnein feto 3ind el 7allak

wa7ad khafaf wil teneh dal feyit bil mreyeh

Fi tnein feto 3end el 7elle2
wa7ad 2ass wel teneh Roi

[joe tayyar]

Originally Posted by Layyouss

Fi tnein feto 3end el 7elle2
wa7ad 2ass wel teneh Roi

Fi tnein feto 3ind el 7allak

wa7ad 7ala2 wil teneh iswara

[Layyouss]

Originally Posted by joe tayyar

Fi tnein feto 3ind el 7allak

wa7ad 7ala2 wil teneh iswara

Fi tnein feto 3end l 7elle2
wa7ad zayya7 wel teneh shamm

[LebanonUSA]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

[ElieEk]

مرة واحد حمصي وصل لسؤال المليون ... وكان السؤال (اكمل المثل التالي: عصفور باليد ولا 10 على ال??...)

الاحتمالات كانت
1: الخوخة
2: الزيتونة
3: الشجرة
4: البركة
ففكر شوية و ق ال : انا بدي انسحب !! فقلوا جورج : لا يا رجل السؤال سهل ما تنسحب .. لكن الحمصي أصرعالإنسحاب .. وجورج يحاول اقناعو .. وبعد فترة غضب الرجل وقال لجورج : انا بدي انسحب وهادا قرار نهائي ... لانو عصفور بالإيد ولا 10 عالشجرة

[LebanonUSA]

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names."

The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

[LebanonUSA]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blond stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"