Old and New Jokes!!!

[Dawn]

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?

He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.
' George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

[Layyouss]

Fi wa7ad akhras bala3 500 LL , 7eki d2ee2a ...

[Nayla]

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
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My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
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Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
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Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
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A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty
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Q:What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
A:How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
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The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ..
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"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
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"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
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Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot
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TEACHER: What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil: Mice
TEACHER: Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil: Twins !
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[Nayla]

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

[Amirkani]

Originally Posted by Nayla

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

When you tell a joke, you need to finish it...

What did he actually ask for? :)

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[Nayla]

Originally Posted by Amirkani

When you tell a joke, you need to finish it...

What did he actually ask for? :)

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No one finish a joke Amirkani..

It's not a story :)

[shevchenco]

Originally Posted by Nayla

No one finish a joke Amirkani..

It's not a story :)

Nayla 3am yen/tenza3lna akhle2na! please Blue Mods ban him\her. he\she is violating rule #3

my mom asked me not to read any of his\her posts again. 2al ba3dne sgheir 3ahal shaghleit.

[Nayla]

Originally Posted by shevchenco

Nayla 3am yen/tenza3lna akhle2na! please Blue Mods ban him\her. he\she is violating rule #3

my mom asked me not to read any of his\her posts again. 2al ba3dne sgheir 3ahal shaghleit.

Shou ba3mellak eza enta niytak 3atleh

Ba3den,Nayla is a "she"

[PFC]

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"****, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his *** out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[PFC]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."