Old and New Jokes!!!

[Abou-Eddie]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell
over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS !

[joe tayyar]

حشّيشيات




محشش سأل محشش

برأيك عيد الفطر بوافق يوم الخميس

فرد عليه : إذا ضغطنا عليه أكيد بوافق



*****


اثنين محششين وقفهون الشرطي

و سألون : ليش انتو الاتنين عيونكون حمرا ؟

قالولو نحنا ولاد عم


*****





واحد محشش سأل بياع الخضرة
عندك فاصولية خضرا

قلو لأ

قلو المحشش طيب شو في عندك ألوان ؟


*****


: واحد محشش عم يقلو لرفيقو

عيني حمرة شو بسوي ؟

قلو : بس تصير خضرا امشي


*****


: واحد محشش عم يقلو لرفيقو

و الله حاسس بالي مشغول

قلو رفيقو : بتكون رافع السماعة


*****


: حشاش عم يقلو لصاحبو

حلمت امبارح إنو نحنا الاتنين صرنا فنانين
أنت فنان تشكيلي وأنا فنان اشكيلك


*****

[Abou-Eddie]

In Tampa, Florida on Monday August 15, 2005, John, 71 and Sonia, 65, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" John said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. The couple did their sexual intercourse in the missionary position for about thirty minutes, with Sonia moaning:“Ooohhhhhhh … Aahhhhh .. Shhhhh … Oh God .. Faster dear faster .. I love it dear .. … Aahhhhh .. Shhhhh … Oh God.”
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." For the charges, John showed the doctor his medicare card and the doctor then charged them a co-pay of $25, and then made an appointment for them for the next Monday.
This continued to happen every Monday until the year-end. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than lots of moaning: “Ooohhhhhhh … Aahhhhh .. Shhhhh … Oh God .. Faster dear faster .. I love it dear .. … Aahhhhh .. Shhhhh … Oh God,” get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally at the time of appointment on the first day of the new year – Monday, January 02, 2006, the doctor finaly asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. Sonia's married to my boss Damon and that is why we can't go to her house. I'm married to Kathryn, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $75, The Hilton charges $125. We do it here for $25 as my Medicaid co-pays for specialist visits to weekly check my sexual health at my age.

[Dawn]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!

'And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!

'And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

'So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

'Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
not the "in" name this year.

'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse
my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her,
and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

'The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything
else that
your wife doesn't use?'

[Nayla]

رجّال قاعد بقهوة بقوم وبيصرخ عـصوت عالي:
يلي بيخاف من مرتو يقوم يقعد عـجهة الشمال ,

كلن راحوا عـالشمال إلا واحد, قالولو شو إنت ما بتخاف من مرتك؟
قلهن:

قالتلي روح على القهوه بس اذا تحركت من محلك، رح إمسح فيك الارض

[Nayla]

How marriage works..............

All men should read this!!!*

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his
old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife,
'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said,
'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan
, India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was,
'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar..... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, ********? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your mother f***ing snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, a**hole?'


So he stayed home.............
.........and, they lived happily ever after

[Rors]

قصّة النملة والصرصور للكاتب الفرنسي لافونتين La Fontaine



كان يا ما كان في قديم الزمان كان هناك نملة وصرصور وكانا صديقين حميمين ... في الخريف، كانت النملة الصغيرة تعمل بدون توقف، تجمع الطعام وتخزّنه للشتاء ولم تكن تتمتّع بالشمس، ولا بالنسيم العليل للأمسيات الهادئة،ولا بالأحاديث بين الأصدقاء وهم يتلذذون بتناول البيرة المثلجة بعد يوم كدٍّ وتعب.

وفي الوقت نفسه، كان الصرصور يحتفل مع أصدقائه في حانات المدينة، يغني ويرقص ويتمتّع بالطقس الجميل، ولا يكترث للشتاء الذي أوشك على الحلول ...

وحين أصبح الطقس بارداً جدّاً، كانت النملة منهكة من عملها، فاختبأت في بيتها المتواضع المملوء مونة حتى السقف

وما كادت تغلق الباب حتى سمعت أحداً يناديها من الخارج. ففتحت الباب، فاندهشت إذ رأت صديقها الصرصور يركب سيّارة فرّاري ويلبس معطفاً غالياً من الفرو !!!

فقال لها الصرصور:

صباح الخير يا صديقتي! سوف أقضي الشتاء في باريس. هل تستطيعين، لو سمحتِ، بأن تنتبهي لبيتي؟

أجابته النملة:طبعاً. لا مشكلة لدي. ولكن، قل لي: ما الذي حصل؟ من أين وجدت المال لتذهب إلى باريس ولتشتري هذه الفرّاري الرائعة وهذا المعطف؟

أجابها الصرصور:تصوري أنني كنت أغني في الحانة الأسبوع الماضي، فأتى منتج وأعجبه صوتي ... ووقعت معه عقداً لحفلاتٍ في باريس.....آه، كدتُ أنسى. هل تريدين شيئاً من باريس؟

أجابت النملة: نعم ! إذا رأيتَ الكاتب الفرنسي لافونتين قل له: صديقتي النملة تسلم عليك وتقول لك:تلحس طيزي

[freelebanonn]

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[freelebanonn]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

[Orion]

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your *****. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”