Old and New Jokes!!!

[kryptos]

تيار التوحيد: فرحنا بوجود حزب إسمه "الكتلة الوطنية"

صدر عن أمين الاعلام في "تيار التوحيد" هشام الاعور البيان الآتي:
"قرأنا باهتمام وفرح بيان حزب الكتلة الوطنية الذي يتهجم على رئيس التيار، وقد فرحنا لأن هناك حزبا موجودا اسمه حزب الكتلة الوطنية، اعتقادا منا أن الامر كان إشاعة، فاقتضى التنويه".

[Abou-Eddie]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of

"Here I come again. ONE, TWO, THREE UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head.
"You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!!"

[Abou-Eddie]

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve.
On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, bewildered, "Pedro, mi amor, what is that theeng?"
Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these theengs."
And then he proudly showed her what it was for. And Maria was happy.
After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to come home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
"Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those theengs and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!"
Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two theengs, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one."
A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.
"Maria? Now what's wrong?"


"Dammit, Pedro. You gave the good one to Gonzalez!"

[Abou-Eddie]

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another..
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

[Faithful]

Sur un vol vers la France, une jeune fille distinguée était assise à côté d'un prêtre. Elle lui demanda :

" Mon père, puis-je vous demander une faveur ?"

" Bien sûr, Mon enfant, que puis-je pour-vous ?"

" Eh bien, j'ai acheté un séchoir à cheveux électrique très perfectionné pour l'anniversaire de ma mère. Il est dans son emballage et bien au delà de la valeur limite d'importation. J'ai bien peur que l'on me le confisque. Ne pourriez-vous pas le passer aux douanes pour moi, sous votre soutane, par exemple ?"

" J'aimerais bien pouvoir vous aider, Chère enfant, mais je dois vous avertir, je ne mentirai jamais."

" Avec l'honnêteté écrite sur votre visage, on ne vous questionnera sûrement pas."

Lorsqu'ils arrivèrent au guichet des douanes, la jeune fille laissa passer le prêtre.

Le douanier lui demanda :

" Avez-vous quelque chose à déclarer, Mon père ?"

" De la pointe de mes cheveux jusqu'à ma taille, je n'ai rien à déclarer !"

Le douanier, trouvant cette réponse bizarre, lui demanda alors :

" Et de la taille aux pieds , qu'avez-vous à déclarer ?"

" J'ai un instrument merveilleux destiné à être manipulé par un femme et qui n'a jamais été utilisé à ce jour."

Le douanier éclata de rire et lui répondit :

" Passez Mon père !!!...... AU SUIVANT !!!

[helou]

تم طرح مناقصة لصيانة سور البيت الابيض
تقدم مقاول امريكي ومكسيكي و لبناني للمناقصة
الامريكي اخد مقاسات السور وتقدم بسعر 900 دولار
ساله مسئول البيت الابيض : ليه 900 دولار؟
قال: 400 دولار مواد +400دولار اجور عماله و 100 دولار فايدتي
المكسيكي اخد المقاسات وتقدم ب 700 دولار
لما ساله قال :300 دولار مواد + 300 دولار عماله + 100 دولار فايدتي
اما اللبناني ما اخد مقاسات و لا يحزنون وراح للمسئول في البيت الابيض على طول و قاله انا سعري 2700 دولار
مسئول البيت الابيض صرخ فيه : انت مجنون؟ لشو 2700 دولار؟؟؟
رد عليه اللبناني بكل برود : طول بالك
الك 1000 دولار
والي 1000 دولار
ونخلي المكسيكي يشيل الشغل ب ال 700
وفاز اللبناني بالمناقصة

[freedom4ever]

واحد منع زوجته من زيارة اهلها يخاف على نفسه من انفلونزا الطيور,
قالت له زوجته: بس أهلي ما عندهم لا بط ولا دجاج ولا طيور,
جاوبها: بس امك بومة

[Abou-Eddie]

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street

and asked him to cover for him.



The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.



The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'

The priest says, 'How many times?'

And the woman replies, 'Three.'

Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'



A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'

'What did you do?'

'I committed adultery.'

'How many times?'

'Three times.'

The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'



The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.



A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'

The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'

The woman replies, 'Once.'

The rabbi says, 'Go and do it two more times; we have a special this week, "three for $5".

[Dawn]

Les hommes mariés grossissent.... et Les célibataires maigrissent.
Pourquoi?

Le célibataire va au frigo, n' y trouve rien d' intéressant et retourne au lit...

L' homme marié va au lit, n' y trouve rien d'intéressant et retourne au frigo...

Pas plus compliqué que ça!

[orangebutterfly]

A teacher in “Zahle” asked her 6th grade class how many of them were “Ja3ja3” fans...
Not really knowing what a “Ja3ja3” fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Zouzou.
The teacher asked Little Zouzou why he decided to be different... again.
Little Zouzou said, 'Because I'm not a “Ja3ja3” fan.'
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a “Ja3ja3” fan?'
Zouzou said, 'Because I'm a 3awnist…

The teacher asked why he's a 3awnist.
Little Zouzou answered, 'Well, my Mom's a 3awnist and my Dad's a 3awnist, so I'm a 3awnist.'
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
With a big smile, Little Zouzou replied, 'That would make me a Ja3ja3 fan.'[/b]