Old and New Jokes!!! - Page 137 - The Orange Room

Layyouss

في شي أخضر وبياكل حجار, شو هوّي ؟

آكل الحجارة الأخضر

mephisto794

قنينة قزاز، فيا حجر كبير. كيف منشل الحجر بلا ما نكسر القنينة؟

مننزل فيا الحيوان الأخضر الصغير أكل الحجارة

Nayla

LE PRIX DU CERVEAU

Dans un hôpital se trouve un patient gravement malade. Sa famille se réunit dans la salle d'attente et enfin, un médecin arrive, fatigué et triste :

«Je suis désolé d'être porteur de mauvaises nouvelles», dit-il en voyant l'expression d'inquiétude sur les visages. «Le seul espoir pour votre proche est une greffe de cerveau. C'est une chose expérimentale et risquée, et économiquement tout est à votre charge !...»

Les membres de la famille restent assis en écoutant ces bien tristes nouvelles. Puis, l'un d'eux se risque et demande :

«Combien coûte un cerveau ?»

«اa dépend», répond le médecin. «C'est 5 000$ pour un cerveau d'homme et 200$ pour celui d'une femme.»

Un long moment de silence envahit la salle... les hommes présents essaient de ne pas rire et évitent le regard des femmes, mêmes si certains d'entre eux ébauchent un sourire. Finalement un homme, poussé par la curiosité, demande :«Docteur,pourquoi

cette différence de prix ?»

Le médecin, souriant devant une question, pour lui si innocente, répond:

«Les cerveaux féminins coûtent moins cher car ce sont les seuls à avoir servi, les autres sont comme neufs"

hannaalsayssa

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole , only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

hannaalsayssa

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl...

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

hannaalsayssa

Offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.

Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, so sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary:

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother-ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the
ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca) *******.
(Gary) Bitch
(Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary) Go drink some tea - *****.

(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one

joe tayyar

ذكاء وليد بيك

حضر أوباما وساركوزي ووليد بيك حفل خيري اقيم على بركة ماء في لوس انجلوس في أميركا .

قال أوباما:

رح أرمي شغلة في المي، و اذا حدا لقاها ساتبرع بـ 20 مليون دولار لاطفال العالم، وللي يلقاها مليون دولار.

فصفق له الناس..
و رمي زر من قميصه ..
و فعلا أعطى اللي لقى الزر مليون دولار وتبرع بـ 20 مليون.

ساركوزي انغاظ.. واحمر وجهه و قال:

رح أرمي شغله في المي واللي يلقاها له مليونين دولار واتبرع بمبلغ 30 مليون لاطفال العالم. وكل ذلك من خزائن صاحبة الجلالة.

فصفق له الناس اكثر من أوباما.
و رمى خرزة من خرزات محفظته ....

و فعلا اعطى اللي لقاها مليونين دولار وتبرع بثلاثين مليونا.

هنا تململ وليد بيك وقال في نفسه: يعني جبتوني لهون كرمال تفرجوا الناس علي والله إسا بفرجيكم يا إخوات الهيك والهيك.. وخاطب الجمهور قائلا:

.. رح أرمي شغله في المي واللي يلقاها له 100 مليون دولار وساتبرع بمليار دولار لاطفال العالم واذا ما لقيتوها بيدفعولي أوباما وساركوزي المبلغ لإلي.

فصفق له الحاضرين حتى كلت ايديهم الا مساعده غازي العريضي الذي اصيب بالدهشة لانه يعلم ان خزنته وخزنة بلاده وخزنة الشهيد رفيق الحريري لا تكفي لدفع المبلغ..!

ووسط عاصفة التصفيق رمى وليد بيك شيئا بحجم الليرة من جيبه، بينما اخذ غازي العرضي يبلع في ريقه، وقفز بعد ذلك كل الحاضرين-حتى أوباما وساركوزي ( طمعوا بالـــ 100 مليون دولار)- في البركة دون ان يفلحوا في العثور على شيء.

هنا قال وليد بيك للجمهور المبتل: معليش..مش معليش مبلا معليش... خيرها بغيرها، ولا تنسوا اني قدمت افضل عرض في هذه السهرة يلا تفضل مستر أوباما ومستر ساركوزي دفعولنا.

عندما اختلى وليد بيك بالوزير العريضي قال له: شفت اني اذكى منن لكلَن. طبعا انا عارف ان خزنتنا فاضية وجايين نشحذ من امريكا، بس عن جد شو رأيك بهل حركة.

العريضي: بتجنن يا وليد بيك.. بس كيف قدرت تنفذ من هل المأزق وتكون متأكد من ان احدا لن يعثر على ما القيته في البركه.

وليد بيك: معليش.. كبَيت قرص فوار.