Old and New Jokes!!!

[hannaalsayssa]

Atutu Kpuyoyo bought a new mobile phone. He sent a message to everyone on his phone book.
The message read: My mobile number has changed; earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is Nokia 6610. Please take note.

In a conversation:
Atutu Kpuyoyo : I am proud because my son is in Medical College
Friend: Really? What is he studying?
Atutu Kpuyoyo: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

Atutu Kpuyoyo visits his Doctor
Atutu Kpuyoyo: Doctor, in my dreams I play football every night.
DOCTOR: Take these drugs and you will be okay.
Atutu Kpuyoyo: Can I take it tomorrow? Tonight is the final game.

Atutu Kpuyoyo and his wife
Atutu Kpuyoyo: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I will stay with my sister but if I die will you remarry?
Atutu Kpuyoyo: No, I will also stay with your sister.

Atutu Kpuyoyo: People consider me as a “GOD”
Wife: How do you know?
Atutu Kpuyoyo: When I went to the park today, everybody said, oh GOD, you have come again.

How do you recognize Atutu Kpuyoyo in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from his book when the teacher erases the board.( REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE)

Once Atutu Kpuyoyo was walking, he had a glove in one hand and none on the other hand. So a man asked him why he did so.
He replied: The weather forecast announced that on one hand, it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Atutu Kpuyoyo: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race; the winner will get the cup.
Atutu Kpuyoyo: If only the winner will get the Cup, why are the others running?

In a classroom :
Teacher: “I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense”
Atutu Kpuyoyo: The future tense is “You will go to jail”.

Atutu Kpuyoyo told his servant: “Go and water the plants!”
Servant: “It is already raining”
Atutu Kpuyoyo: “So what? Take an umbrella and go”

[hannaalsayssa]

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.


Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

NOW GUESS THE PRIEST

[hannaalsayssa]

One for OUR REDNECKS FRIENDS......

Billy Bob and Mary Lou were getting married

After the "reception" the couple retired to their "luxury" 10' trailer behind his parents 20' trailer home.

After 10 minutes Billy Bob comes roaring out of the trailer cursing Mary Lou something awful.

His Pa ask WTF is going on with all the noise and Billy Bob replies " Well Pa - Mary Lou she is still a goddam virgin"

"And if she's not good enuff for her own family - she's not good enuff for ours"!

[tae]

في حشاشين يشوفوا فيلم سكس. واحد قال شوف الوسخة شو عم تعمل رد عليه الثاني لا تظلمها هذا تمثيل.

واحدة اتصلت على الشرطه تقولهم فيه حرامي عندي بالبيت وبدو يغتصبني تعالو بعد ساعه.

[tae]

حمصي و شامي راحوا على محطة القطار
ولما وصلو لقو القطار مشي..
ركضوا مشان يلحقو القطار..
الحمصي سرررررع ولحــق وركب القطار
!!!!! و الشامي ماقدر يلحق من كثرة الضحك
سألوه ليش عم تضحك؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

قال هالأجدب أصلاً جاي يودعــني !!!

[tae]

حمصي سمى ابنه على اسم أبوه... بابا

[tae]

Lebanese are really distinguished in their accent and style of linguistics.

• You constantly mix Arabic, French, and English "Okay, merci kteer, yallah bye!" "Hi kifak ca va"
• Your statements should start with "Enno".
• The words "Khayi" “Man” "Bro" "Cuz" are a big part of your vocabulary.

• The word "Wallah" has replaced the word "Really" in your vocabulary.
• You Believe that “Bounjouren” “Bonsouren” are registered vocabulary words.
• You say the words "Stylak" and "Salbe" very often.


• You say "Bolice" for "Police"
• You call a night club "Night" and McDonalds "Macdo"; Abbreviation is a convenient style of communication.
• Your father swears at you with words that affect him (Yilaan Abouk)


• Whenever you see a relative you haven’t seen in a while, you say : ''Yee Shoo mgayar wo mihlaw"
• ''We'll only stay 10 minutes'' means you’re spending the whole day.
• You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".


• You say bye 17 times on the phone, before actually hanging up.
• When you fail, your first words are: most of my friends failed too!
• You’ve taught all your non-Lebanese friends how to swear in Arabic











Attitude

Lebanese have illustrious attitudes & Behaviors.


• You are so "Class" while everyone else are "Nawar"
• You hate to wait, while everyone waits for you.
• You never stand in line.


• You don't memorize your full National Anthem.
• You love to have a gun or use one..
• You are the best bull-Shitter.





• You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
• You think that Syrians are the butt of all jokes.
• You always curse Lebanese people when you are in Lebanon, but when you live abroad you only make Lebanese friends.


• You get plastic surgery at least once in your lifetime..
• You can't do anything in life unless you have a Wasta
• If a Cop stops you cause you’ve violated a certain law, God help him since you'll be calling PAPI ...then PAPI will make his life a living hell.






Food

Lebanese are known for their great food, loved by everyone around the globe.

• You have to go to a Lebanese restaurant 6 times a week.
• If you live abroad and coming to Lebanon for a vacation Lebanese Restaurants will be your SPA.
• A meal without Hummus is not a real meal to you.


• You can’t start with anything rather than Tabouleh.
• You eat almost everything with bread.
• You can't have a meal without Lebanese bread.


• You put olive oil on EVERYTHING and brag about how healthy it is.
• You make Turkish coffee before leaving home, when you reach your office, after lunch, when having guests before and after they leave, and finally before you go to bed.
• You always need to have an Unlimited Supply of Nuts & Bizir.


• Your water in Mezzah is Arak.
• You always fight over who pays the bill.
• Your mom makes food for 10 people but you are only 3 on the table.
• Your mum cooks a meal that lasts three days











Argileh








To Lebanese Argileh has become as essential as Fresh Air.


• You have to smoke Argileh.
• A good restaurant is measured by how good is their Argileh, and whether the Nara guy is always around.
• If you live in the Gulf, u have to make sure to get Moasal for all your family.




Family

Some of us have pretty bizarre family members, Oh well, that’s what you get for being Lebanese.

• Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner even if you're in the next room.
• You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how he had to walk miles just to get to school.
• Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.
• You have relatives smuggling diamonds in West Africa.
• Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
• Everyone is a family friend.


• Members of your family start to come over your house at 11:00PM and don't leave until 3:00AM.
• Your extended family is over your house all the time, discussing the latest family drama
• You have to have at least 3 relatives living in your neighborhood. .


• Your Family is never happy with what you've achieved. If you graduated from school they'll tell you "Eqbel Shahadeh El kbeereh", when u get that "Oqbal el Aroos / Areees", when you get that "Oqbal ma nefrah be Wledkom", and when you get that "Oqbal Shadet Wladkom”, and it keeps on going...




Cars

With a capital “C” when it comes to Lebanese, Cars can be the most important thing in a Lebanese’s life, even more important than having a house. I have a statement that I cite regularly “You Are What You Drive”.

• You won't drive anything that's not a Mercedes, BMW, or Hummer.
• You drive a new BENZ but you can’t afford money for gas
• You drive cars with black Fume windows.


• You bought your driver's license.
• You chose you license plate.
• You’re a very good driver, except for the fact that you drive like ****!





• You drive like a maniac.
• You don’t feel embarrassed filling gas for 3$. (5.000 LBP)
• You can talk on your cell phone, eat a sandwich, drink, and smoke while driving a manual shift.


• You never wear a seat belt.
• You can’t drive below 120/km on the highway, you think it’s illegal.
• You love to drive and drift.


• You spend all your money buying accessories for the car. (But not Gas).
• You are permitted to have a little chat with your friends in the next car, and block the way on a green traffic light.
• All roads are 2-ways, so driving in the opposite direction is always permit ted.


• You can’t tolerate traffic, where your car horn becomes your only stress reliefer.
• You'd only drive up to 25 km - above that it becomes too far.
• You wouldn’t mind cruising in circles around a certain small hot area for hours.


• If you are a boy you have to learn how to drive when you are 14 years old.
• You stole the car when your Parents were asleep, and were involved in an accident that they don’t know about, till now.
• You love to drink while driving, Eventually You drink, and drive.














Clubbing

Lebanon = Night Life; No introductions needed here.

• You prefer Vodka/Redbull on water.
• You are not allowed to miss clubbing 2 nights in a row.
• You have to start drinking from the bottle at 2 AM; cause by then cups can't do the job.


• You need to at least order 2-3 extra bottles of champagne a night and leave them unused.
• You have to be professional in holding your cigarette and drink in one hand and have easy20access to both.
• You think its cool to dance and smoke at the same time.


• You go to a Night Club at 1 AM and not get back home before morning.
• You can’t spend the night in one particular Night Club (At least 3).
• You have to eat after clubbing.


• You dress like you're going clubbing, all day, everyday, probably because you do.
• You pick a fight with someone just because he was looking at your GF (Only after 2 AM).
• You Can Do The Dabkeh














Travelling




Lebanese are known to visit Lebanon at least once every 2 days.

• You are standing next to the largest suitcases at the Airport.
• You would beg the personnel at the airport to allow your excess baggage, as soon as your father stops doing that for you
• When you arrive at the airport back home you find at least 20 relatives waiting to greet you.
• You always have a dream of holding a different passport, since your passport doesn’t get you anywhere without a Visa ..
• Getting a visa to Europe or the States is like getting a baby; everybody tells you "Mabrook"




Politics




Last but unquestionably not least.

• You love yellow cause u love "Hezbollah", blue cause u love "future"
• You should get involved in politics, before kindergarden.
• You hope that the political situation will be solved but you know that it won’t.
• All Lebanese agreed to disagree in their political views.
• You never stick to one Team for more than 2 Years.
• You hate Israel to death.
• You want to become a president to change things.

[tae]

راح حمصي في يوم من الأيام عا أمريكا ولمّا وصل امريكا وصلته برقيه من أخوه الكبير
تقول : أحضر حالاً..
طنش الرجال البرقية
وفي الأسبوع الثاني
وصلته برقية من أخوه الأوسط تقول:
أحضر حالاً وبسرعة
.. أيضاً طنش الأمر الرجال
وفي الأسبوع الثالث
ارسل أخوه الصغير(مش صغير كتير) عمره (20-21) برقية تقول:
أحضر حالا الوالد يريدك ...
هذه المرة الرجال صدق وراح حجز على اول طائرة تروح لبلدهم.

وبعد ماوصل البل

: ويش صاير ؟؟! قال الأخو الأكبر : أدخل وشوف أبوك ..
ومشى5 خطوات وشاف أخوه الوسط كثيف اللحية سأله ويش صاير ؟؟! قال له : أدخل وشوف ابوك ..
مشى 7 خطوات فرأى أخوه الصغير ذو لحية كبيرة : وقال له : ويش صاير يا اخوي ؟؟
! قال له : أدخل الغرفة وشوف ابوك ..
دخل الولد الحجرة وشاف أبوه كثيف اللحية ساله
: ويش صاير ياأبوي فزعتوا لي قلبي ؟؟!

قال الأب:::
مو عيب عليك تاخذ شفرة الحلاقة معك.؟؟!!

[Nayla]

سألوا فرنسي وانجليزي ومحشش ، شو أسرع شي في الدنيا ؟

قال الفرنسي: الضوء . قال الانجليزي: التفكير .

وقال المحشش: الإسهال !! لأنو إذا أجاك بتلحقش تضوي الضو ولا تفكر

[Nayla]

The Haircut



A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours'. The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?'


The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,


'How long before I can get a haircut?'


The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So,

where does that guy go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

'Your house !'