Old and New Jokes!!!

[kryptos]

2al Saad el hariri toli3 3and ja3ja3
2e3dine bil salon
bi 2ello saad: wayniyyeh setrida?
geagea: 3Am tet7ammam
Saad: khaliya tenzal ZAY MA HIYYEH

[Observer]

Originally Posted by kryptos

2al Saad el hariri toli3 3and ja3ja3
2e3dine bil salon
bi 2ello saad: wayniyyeh setrida?
geagea: 3Am tet7ammam
Saad: khaliya tenzal ZAY MA HIYYEH

loooooooooooool. even though I do not like talking about 2a3rad even if they were my enemies. loool

[Layyouss]

Le grand-père de 95 ans vient de décéder.
Le petit-fils va présenter ses condoléances à sa grand-mère de 90 ans et trouve la mamie en| |
larmes :

il la prend dans ses bras et la console.

Un moment plus tard, la voyant plus calme, le petit-fils en profite et lui demande :

- Mamie, comment est mort papi ?...
- C'est arrivé en faisant l'amour, lui confesse la grand-mère.

Le jeune garçon lui répond que les personnes de 90 ans ou plus ne devraient pas faire l'amour| |
car c'est très dangereux.

Mais la grand-mère lui explique:

- Nous le faisions seulement le dimanche, depuis 5 ans, très calmement,

au rythme des cloches de l'église,

"ding" pour la mettre, "dong" pour la sortir...

- Et que s'est-il passé, mamie ?, demande le petit-fils ....

- Ho, mon garçon !!!

Le marchand de glaces est passé ... avec sa clochette !!!!

[orange infection]

حمصي اندعست حماته.

سألوه:ليش شفايفك سود؟

قال: من كتر ما بست دواليب السياره



مريض بحكي لصاحبه: بتصدق لما عملت عملية بمستشفى 5 نجوم خدروني مرتين، التاني: ليش طيب؟

المريض: مرة وقت العملية ومرة لما جابوا الفاتورة

[Faithful]

صعيدي راكب في طياره إيرانيه كل ركابها شيعه, جاهم مطب هوائي , صاحو كلهم ياعلي,

جاهم مطب ثاني ,فصاحو بأعلى صوتهم ياعلي, أستغرب الصعيدي المسكين من الموضوع , طبعا ماهو فاهم الطبخه.

فجاهم مطب ثالث فصاحو كلهم ياعلي,

فقام الصعيدي وصاح بأعلى صوته
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جرى أيه ياعلي ما تسوق كويس

[hannaalsayssa]

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order: -

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries :-

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.

In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

[Abou-Eddie]

Journal de bord d'une jeune femme en croisière aux Antilles

Jour 1
Je me prépare pour cette croisière splendide. J'empaquette mes vêtements. Je suis toute excitée!!

Jour 2
Toute la journée en mer. Splendide ! J'ai vu défiler dauphins et baleines.
Quelles belles vacances ! Aujourd'hui j'ai rencontré le Capitaine, un bel homme, style Alain Delon 20 ans + tôt.

Jour 3
J'ai fait un peu de surf et tiré quelques balles de golf. Le Capitaine m'a invitée à sa table pour dîner.
C'était un honneur et j'ai passé un bon moment. C'est un homme très attirant et attentionné, il a des yeux bleus magnifiques.

Jour 4
Je suis allée au casino du bateau et j'ai eu de la chance ! Le Capitaine m'a invitée à déjeuner dans sa cabine.
Repas somptueux avec caviar et Champagne. Il m'a demandé de passer l'après-midi dans sa cabine mais j'ai décliné l'invitation.
Je lui ai dit que je ne voulais pas être infidèle à mon époux.

Jour 5
Je suis retournée à la piscine puis j'ai décidé d'aller au piano bar et d'y passer le reste de la journée.
Le Capitaine m'a vue et m'a invitée à prendre un verre. Réellement, c'est un homme charmant.
Il m'a demandé si je voulais passer à sa cabine cette nuit, Je lui ai dit que non.
Il m'a dit que si je ne changeais pas d'avis, il coulerait le bateau.

Jour 6
La nuit dernière, j'ai sauvé 1600 personnes... Quatre fois.

[Abou-Eddie]

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh



The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

[lady_forever]

لبنانية كانت بحمص وحبّت تروح على محل حلويات لتشتري حلو..

فدخلت، ولمّا حكيت مع صاحب المحل، قال لها: انت لبنانية بس ليش تتمسخروا على الحماصنة؛ انا دارس بالجامعة الاميركية ومعي شهادة من عندكم بلبنان.

فأعتذرت وقالت له: إنتو شعب ذكي، الله يرضى عليك بدي كم صنف من عندك... بدي 2كيلو بقلاوة و2دزينة معمول و2كيلو صفوف و2دزينة كرابيج.

قال لها: تكرمي، بدك تأخديهم معك او بدك تأكليهم هون؟

[hannaalsayssa]

Priest's Retirement Dinner
>
>
> A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
>
>
> However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
>
> Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.


GUESS WHO WAS THE politician???