Old and New Jokes!!!

[coralie]

Somewhere in Germany, a blind man enters a
Ladies Bar by mistake.



He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"



The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair,
giving that you are blind, that you should know five things":

"#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl."



"#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl."

"#3 - I'm a blonde woman with a black belt in karate."

"#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde
and is a professional boxer."



"#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler."

"Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[coralie]

i recieved this in my mail hilarious !

A LETTER WROTE BY A JUNKIE TO ZAVEN (OF THE FAMOUS TALK SHOW 'SIRIWINFATAHETT')

Dear Zaven,

I am a crack dealer in Basta who has recently been diagnosed as carrier of
the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb of Beirut (al Dahiyeh) and
one of my sisters, who lives in Jounieh, is married to a transvestite. My
father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana in their small garden and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters who are prostitutes in Maameltein. I have two brothers. One is
currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Roumieh for murder of a
teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the
Trablos Jail on charges of neglecting his three children.

have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in Jiyeh and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Samir JA3JA3 ?

Signed,

Worried about my reputation

[Rors]

كان في خوري يجو لعندو الناس يعترفولو حتى يغفرلهم

وبس يجو لعنده كانوا يقولوا أنا زنيت
وأنا غلطت، فما حب هيدي الكلمة وقلهم
قولوا أنا زحطت بدل زنيت من هلق ورايح....

ومرت الأيام و صارت الرعية كلها بتعرف هالمصطلح
ومات الخوري واستلم مكانه
خوري تاني، بس ما كان بيعرف معنى كلمة
زحطت
وكان الناس بيجو لعنده وبيعترفولو ويقولوا أنا زحطت
استغرب أبونا من هالكلمة و من كتر ما سمعها

فاستغل عظة الاحد وقال لازم نزبط الشوارع ونصلح كل هالجور، يعني مش معقول تلات ارباع العالم اذا ما كلن عم يزحطوا

ضحكوا كل الاهل وأكتر شي رئيس البلدية

عصب الخوري منه وقاله

أنت الوحيد يللي ما بيحقلك تضحك
لأنو مرتك صارت زاحطة 8 مرات بس بهالأسبوع!!!

[coralie]

Un homme et une femme sont en train de faire l'amour et tout d'un coup il demande:

"Dis donc chérie, ton mari va rentrer à quelle heure? Parce que je n'aimerais pas le croiser. C'est quand même mon meilleur ami..."



- "T'inquiètes pas, il ne rentre pas avant une heure.

Le téléphone sonne.
La femme répond:



- "Oui bonjour mon chéri... Bien mon chéri... D'accord mon chéri... A tout à l'heure mon chéri."
Puis, elle se tourne vers son amant :
- "C'était mon mari. On a une heure de plus."

- "Ah oui, comment ça?"

- "Il est en train de jouer au tennis avec toi."

[ostwind]

What's the height of embarassment?

Peeking through a keyhole and finding another peeking through the same.
__________________________________________________ _________
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
__________________________________________________ ________
52 reasons to have a beer over a woman.

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
25. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When you're interrupted by a beer, it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.
31. A beer doesn't have in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when it's time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. It's okay to leave a party with a different beer than you arrived with.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easy to catch.
42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and Ice don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers in one room, and they won't fight.
__________________________________________

[Layyouss]

Fi wa7ad 3endo ma7al 7elweyet bi saida, keef bi wa33eh marto ??








like this: Shafi2a, 2oumeh ....

[Nayla]

Originally Posted by Layyouss

Fi wa7ad 3endo ma7al 7elweyet bi saida, keef bi wa33eh marto ??








like this: Shafi2a, 2oumeh ....

[Abou-Eddie]

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for Counselling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to
stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra
off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on
her breasts fondles them, and kisses them passionately.
A side glance at her husband, he then put his hand up her skirt, ripped
her G-String off, and fondled her wildly, while her husband Mark watched
with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.
Jacqueline, flushed, tried to cover herself with the torn blouse, and
quietly sat down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

[Layyouss]

مدير ونائبه تنكروا وسألوا موظف إيه رأيك في المدير ونائبه

قـــــال :

الاثنين زفت ...

فكشفوا عن نفسهم..

الراجل اتفزع وقال

والثلاثاء ملل

و الاربعاء تعب

والخميس ارهاق

والجمعة والسبت ما بصدق يخلصوا عشان بكون كثير مشتاق للمدير ونائبه

[Jasper]

There was this recent meet in the UN. The US Secretary General Condolezza Rice, while addressing the representatives from all other countries, incited them – “ Hello all, please give your honest suggestions about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world. ”

This statement raised an air of confusion and each unit had their own misgivings.

The Africans didn’t know what ‘food’ is, the Indians never understood what ‘honest’ is. The representatives from the Middle-East never heard of the word ‘solution’ and consulted the Americans for assistance.
The Europeans were confused if there was any word such as ‘shortage’, the South Americans didn’t know what is ‘please’, and the North Americans didn’t figure out what is ‘rest of the world’.

A Harvard scholar, Mr. Sean Goldstein approaches a learned Rabbi telling him that he has a Doctorate in philosophy, and would now like to learn the Talmud to round off or complete his knowledge. After summing him up for a few minutes, the Rabbi told him " I seriously doubt that you are ready to study Talmud. It's the deepest book of our people. If you wish however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud. "

The young man agrees. Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

The young man stares at the Rabbi. "Is that a test in Logic?" The Rabbi nods.

"The one with the dirty face washes his face" He answers wearily.

"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes his face."

"Very clever" Says Goldstein. . "Give me another test"

The Rabbi again holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. which one washes his face?

"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"

"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face"

"I didn't think of that!" Says Goldstein. " It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!."

The Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Each one washes his face"

"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face"

Goldstein is desperate. "I am qualified to study Talmud. Please give me one more test"

He groans when the Rabbi lifts his two fingers "Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with
a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Neither one washes his face"

"Wrong. Do you now see, Sean, why Socrates logic is an insufficient basis for studying the Talmud? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see? The whole question is narishkeit - foolishness - and if you spend your life trying to answers foolish questions, all your answers will be foolish."

Lesson 1
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 2
A turkey was chatting with a bull... 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there for long.

Lesson 3
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Moral of the story:
1 Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2 Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
3 And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Lesson 4
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'.
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 5
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor' she replies. 'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

I "quoted" them since that way you'd know better what belongs to what. Enjoy:)