Old and New Jokes!!!

[BEAST]

Originally Posted by orange infection

ya coralie is there any english translation for this ???
i know french but this one is just too long and complicated

First one's free ;)

A woman was in bed with her lover. as things started getting hot&heavy, they heard a key in the lock.both were frozen with fear as they both know that in modern apartments, there is no room under the bed, the closet ridiculously small, there was no balcony, and the apartment was on the 12th floor.

without freaking out, the woman told her lover:
stand up, hold still, and say NOTHING

her husband walked in:
"I see you're surprised to see me darling. well, my flight was rescheduled and i finished early". however, when he saw the man who was with them in the room, he retorted: "what's that?"

"I just got it. can u believe that? it's a sexual slave robot powered by Microsoft. speaking of which, it kinda looks like bill gates, doesn't it? you're always away, whether in a meeting or a trip...how am i supposed to know what you do when you're alone in your room...it's just like a vibromassager but a little bigger. I'm sure you prefer to see me use this instead of turning to the plumber or our neighbor for help, don't you?"

the husband:
"forget about that, im gonna show u heaven. come here and i'll take you like an animal"

wife (having just been serviced):
"no thanks honey. i have a very bad headache!!"

husband:
"what the ****?!?! it's always the same story!! whatever, go to the kitchen and fix me an omelet..."

the wife goes to the kitchen, and the husband starts eying the robot. a while later, he tells himself: "well, what goes for her goes for me". he undid his pants and jumped on the poor man to start sodomizing him...at that moment, the lover fakes a robotic voice and says:

- "system error. location reserved for USB Disk"
- "you ******* piece of ****!!!"

fuming with rage, the husband grabs the so-called robot and rushes to the window to throw him out. petrified, the lover exclaims:

"windows XP restarted - PLEASE TRY AGAIN. PLEASE TRY AGAINNNNN!!!!!!"

[lady_forever]

اثنين حماصنة ماشيين في حمص والدنيا كابسة مطر ، مرّ واحد بسيارته طرطشه

فقال الأول للثاني شوف هالحيوان لو نحنا في بيروت كان صاحب السيارة وقف و أخدنا عندو عالبيت و شلحنا أواعينا و غدانا و نحنا رايحين أعطانا ألفين ليرة!!

رد الثاني قاله: عن جد عم تحكي ؟ ليش صارت معك؟

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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رد الاول: لأ يا حمار صارت مع أختي !!

[orange infection]

for the ppl who didn't understood lady_forever's joke
"awe3ina" = tyebna

[lady_forever]

تم طرح مناقصة لصيانة سور البيت الابيض
تقدم مقاول امريكي و مكسيكي و لبناني للمناقصة

الامريكي اخد مقاسات السور و تقدم بسعر 900 دولار
سأله مسئول البيت الابيض: ليش 900 دولار؟
قال : 400 دولار مواد + 400 دولار عمالة و 100 دولار فائدتي



و المكسيكي اخد مقاسات السور و تقدم ب 700 دولار للمناقصة لما سأله قال: 300 دولار مواد + 300 دولار عمالة و 100 دولار فائدتي

اما اللبناني بدون ما ياخد أي مقاسات راح لمسئول البيت الابيض وهمس في أذنه:


أنا سعري 2700 دولار

مسئول البيت الابيض صرخ فيه: انت مجنون ليش 2700 دولار؟!!!!
رد عليه اللبناني بكل برود وبهمس شديد:

طول بالك خيي..

1000 دولار ل إلك...... و1000 دولار ل إلي ....... و خلي المكسيكي يعمل الشغل كله.

وفاز اللبناني بالمناقصة مثل العادة

[orange infection]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fu*ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[lady_forever]

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was
Down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said, “'Boss this morning when you left
Your house, did you close your garage Door?”

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office
Looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done with his paper-work, he suddenly noticed that his
Zipper was not zipped up!

He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally
Understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said, “When you saw the garage-door open did
You see my Jaguar parked in there?”

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, “No, Boss I didn't. All I saw
Was a Mini with 2 flat tires!”

..... She got fired!

[Faithful]

[lady_forever]

ولد يسأل أمه: شو يعني ملاك ؟

ردت: مخلوق من نور,يطير في السماء


قال الولد: سمعت بابا يقول لسكرتيرته يا ملاكي بس ما طارت !


قالت الأم: اليوم بتطير












واحد بخيل سأل زوجته:

شو طابخة اليوم

قالت :زيت وزعتر

قال:ولي عليكي طابخة طبخيتن




طفل عمره 3 سنوات،

سأل إمه الحامل ....

شو هذا اللي في بطنك؟

ردَت: هذا أخوك.

سألها: بتحبيه؟

ردَت الأم: آه .

سألها: ما دام بتحبيه ليش بلعتيه؟؟؟

[lady_forever]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Viagra...it's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee; he won't taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to
her progress. The poor woman exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah; t'was horrid, just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised; I slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided
wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[Layyouss]

قالت البنت بابا في شب كتير ابن ناس ومافيو ولا عيب بدو يجي يخطبني

وبلا طول سيرة وافق الاب

اجا الشب وقعد مع الاب وكان في بتمو علكة قلو الاب انت عجبتني كتيروما فيك ولا عيب

بس هل علكة مو وقتا بهيك مناسبة

قلو بس ياعمي ضرورية بعد السيكارة قلو ليش بتدخن قلو عل خفيف مع كاس الويسكي

قلو وبتشرب كمان قلو احيانن لما منلعب قمار قلو ولك وين بتلعب قمار قلو

وين يعني بشي كابريه

قلو ومن ايمت بتروح على كبرهات قلو من لما طلعت من االسجن قلو وليش دخلت عل سجن

قلو ضربت واحد بالسكينة ومات

قلو وليش موتو قلو لاني طلبت ايد بنتو وما وافق

قلو الاب اذا هيك اليوم منقرا الفاتحة .