Old and New Jokes!!!

[lady_forever]

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
**********

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

[lady_forever]

First Affair



A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushe d to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Bob had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Bob is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5t h Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[lady_forever]

صعيدي سافر على امريكا واشتغل سواق تاكسي ...

مرة كان مقرب من احد البارات فركبت معاه وحدة عارية ..

قالت له: ودينى روكفلر بلازا من فضلك

ساق الصعيدي التاكسي...

ظل طوال الوقت ينظــــــر اليها في المرآة... !!!

فسألته: اكسكيوز مي.. شكلي عجبتك ...... او هذه المرة الاولى التي تطلع بها معك امرأة عارية !؟

قال: لا ده ولا ده.. بس قاعد افكر، حضرتك حطلعي الفلوس منين..!؟ :)

[lady_forever]

فيه صعيدي و أمريكي و فرنسي

قرروا يعملون عملية سطو مسلح على بنك ولما وصلوا البنك

شافتهم الشرطة وهربوا الثلاثة ولحقوهم

قام الأمريكي لقي عمود كهرباء وتسلق عليه ويسألونه الشرطة أنت من العصابة اللي تبغى تسرق البنك؟؟؟

قالهم: لا أنا عامل بشركة الكهرباء وبصلح بالأسلاك أي عصابة .
قاموا وتركوه ولحقوا الفرنسي ..

قام الفرنسي لقي سيارة بورشة نزل تحتها جو الشرطة وقالوا أنت بالعصابة اللي تبغى تسطي عالبنك؟؟؟؟

قالهم :أي عصابة أنا ميكانيكي سيارات مش شايفني تحت السيارة

قاموا وتركوه و راحوا للصعيدي ركض وركض وأخر شي شاف حمارة وراح نام تحت الحمارة وجو الشرطة وقالوا له

أنت بالعصابة اللي تبغى تسرق البنك؟؟؟؟


قالهم : اسرق أيه أنا لسه من شويه اتولدت !!!.

[mickey117]

Au Paradis Les cuisiniers sont francais, les mecaniciens sont allemands, les policiers sont Anglais, les amants sont Italiens et tout est organisee par les suisses.

En Enfer Les cuisiniers sont Anglais, les mecanicines sont francais, les policiers sont allemands, les amants sont suisses et tout organisee par les Italiens.

[lady_forever]

قال مرة في فلاح كل ما يحط حشيش للبقرة بتاكلو الدجاجة
!!!! قالها: شوفي ولييييي إذا أكلتي الحشيش مرة تانية حاأنتف ريشك و حطك بالقفص فهمتي
راحت الدجاجة اكلت الحشيش فنتف هالفلاح ريشها و حبسها
شافها الديك عريانة بالققص
سألها: دعارة؟؟
ردت: لأ ، حشيش

[Layyouss]

كان محشش بإمتحان وهذه اجاباته

س - ماذا تعرف عن أشهر القادة العسكريين في الحرب العالمية الأولى؟

ج - كلهم ماتوا

س - إذا أعطاك احد برتقــالة فماذا تقــول له؟

ج - أقول له قشرها

س - ماذا فعل الرومانيون بعد عبورهم البحر المتوسط؟

ج - جففوا ملابسهم

س - أيهما أبعد استراليا أم القمر ولماذا؟

ج - استراليا لأننانشـوف القمر بس مانشوف استراليا

س - علي باباهل هو مذكر او مؤنث؟

ج - مذكر طبعا لأنه لو كان مؤنث قلنا علي ماما

س - عرف كلا من الفيزياء والكيمياء؟

ج - الفيزياء مركز الثقل في الرسوب, أماالكيمياء درس عديم اللون والطعم والرائحة قليل الذوبان في الدماغ

س - خمسة بنطلونات + خمسة قمصان+ أربعة أحذية _ أكرمك الله فماالنتيجة؟

ج - خمسـة رجال فيهم واحدحافي

س - اذكر ثلاثة أنواع من السمك؟

ج - سمك مقلي, سمك مشوي, سمك مملح

س - أعط مثالا للأشياء التي لا تذوب في الماء؟

ج - السمك

س - ادخل كلمة دام في جملة مفيدة؟

ج - ذهبت المدام إلى السوق

س - مامعنى كلمة سبيل وسلسبيل؟

ج - سبيل = طريق, سلسبيل = طرطريـق.


س - ماذا تعرف عن البحر الميت؟

ج - كان مريض قبل مايموت

س - سرق لصان عشرين ريالاً فما نصـيب كل واحد منهما؟

ج - تقطع أيديهما


س - مافائدة الأذنين؟

ج - تمنع النظارة من السقوط

س - حول عبارة تذهـب أمي الى السوق الى صيغة الماضي

ج - تذهـب جـدتي إلى السوق

[coralie]

Installing a Husband





Dear Tech Support,





Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.



Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.



Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?





Signed,



Desperate



==

DEAR DESPERATE,





First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.





Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.



Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)



In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.





Good Luck Babe!



Tech Support

[lady_forever]

في يوم كان سمير جعجع عم بينظف قبو ببيتو قام لاقى فانوس سحري.. فركو.. فظهرلو مارد و قلو :

شبيك لبيك عبدك بين ايديك طلوب وتمنى...

جعجع: فيني اطلب شو ما بدي؟

مارد:اكـيد, اكــيد

جعجع: بدي جسر يوصلني من معراب عالمريخ

المارد: يا حكيم هيدي شوي صعبة ما قلي هلقد قدرة على الكواكب... فيك تطلب شي تاني؟

جعجع: طيـب, طيــب... بدي تخلي جماعتي (القوات) كلن فهمانين واوادم و من اذكى العالم بالدني...

المارد: ليك حبيبي أدّي بدك عرضو للجسر؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

[lady_forever]

OIL AND ALL

> The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all
> over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made
> passionate love and I
> made her scream non stop for five minutes."
>
>
>
> The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife
> all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made
> passionate love. I made her
> scream for fifteen minutes straight."
>
>
>
> The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I
> massaged my wife all over her
> body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body
> with the butter, and
> then made love and I made her scream for two long
> hours."
>
>
> The Italian and Frenchman, astonished,
> asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!
>
> How did you do it to make her scream for two
> hours?" ...

> The Indian: "I wiped my
> hands on the curtains."