Old and New Jokes!!!

[lady_forever]

Abu Abed suit des cours d'anglais. Il envoie ce petit mot à sa prof :
'I sink aille am foling in love wiziou. Douillou sink it is envisageable crak crak wiziou this ivining ?'
Elle lui répond :
'Never !!'
Abu Abed repond::
'Splendid, disons never, never et demie.

[Layyouss]

لم يبقى على موعد الامتحانات سوى عدة أيام، حين اتفق أربعة من طلاب إحدى الكليات على قضاء يومين أو ثلاثة أيام في منطقة نائية للاستمتاع، لاعتقادهم أنهم سوف يعودون بذهن صافي قادر على الإجابة على الأسئلة وهناك غرتهم مناظر الطبيعة الخلابة فتأخروا ووجدوا أنهم لن يتمكنوا من حضور الامتحان الأول.
ففكروا بحيلةيخلقونها لأستاذهم كي يعيد لهم الامتحان في يوم لاحق وبالفعل اخبروه بعد عودتهم أن احد إطارات سيارتهم انفجر في طريق العودة ليلاً في مكان مظلم وخالي من السكان، لذا اضطروا إلى الانتظار لليوم التالي لإصلاح الإطار....

ووافق الأستاذ على تأجيل الامتحان لهم

وفي اليوم المحدد للامتحان طلب الأستاذ من الطلاب الأربعة أن يجلس كل منهم في زاوية من قاعة الامتحان بحيث لا يستطيع أحدهم رؤية ما يكتبه زميله وفوجئ الأربعة بورقة أسئلة تتضمن الأسئلة التالية:

1.أي إطارات السيارة الأربعة انفجر؟

2.كم كانت الساعة وقت حدوث الحادث؟

3.من منكم كان يقود السيارة في ذلك الوقت؟

الإمضاء..
أستاذ نذل

[Frisbeetarian]

Man this thread and the people posting are a god send!

[Kakou]

Une petite vieille avançait dans la rue en traînant deux grands sacs-poubelles, un dans chaque main.

L'un des sacs était troué et, de temps en temps, un billet de 100 eur s'en échappait et tombait dans la rue.

En voyant cela, un policier l'arrête et lui dit :
« Madame, il y a des billets de 100 euros qui tombent de ce sac !
- Merci de m'en aviser, dit la petite vieille. Il faut que je retourne récupérer ces billets. Encore merci !

- Un instant, pas si vite, fait le policier : " D'où sortez-vous tout cet argent ? L'avez-vous volé ?

- Oh non ! répond la petite vieille. Voilà le terrain qui est derrière chez moi sert de stationnement au stade de foot et chaque fois qu'on joue et que les spectateurs veulent faire pipi avant d'entrer ou en sortant du stade ils s'arrêtent devant les arbustes qui bordent ma maison et ils pissent sur les fleurs que j'ai semées.

Alors, je me planque derrière les arbustes avec une grande paire de ciseaux et chaque fois que quelqu'un sort son instrument pour pisser, je lui dis : Donne-moi 100 eur ou je te la coupe !

- C'est pas une mauvaise idée, ça, dit le policier. Alors, bonne chance !
Mais… dites-moi qu'y a-t-il dans l'autre sac ?
-Ah ben ! répond la vieille, vous savez, ils ne paient pas tous !

[Jerry]

Originally Posted by December Rain

Gilette Razors spokesperson

this is not a joke and this is not funny !
The person is facing a rare disease so it's bit unethical to make fun of it

[Frisbeetarian]

Originally Posted by Jerry

this is not a joke and this is not funny !
The person is facing a rare disease so it's bit unethical to make fun of it

Shill bro. Hes happy and very much living a normal life in spite of the abnormality.

[lady_forever]

كان في شاب يحب بنت و هي تحبه ومتفقين على الخطوبة والزواج
لكن من حظه الجميل انه دخل الجيش
وكان كل يوم يقعد يفكر فيها قبل ما ينام
ويتذكر ايامهم مع بعض عمره ما نساها لحظة
وفي يوم جاه رسالة من البنت اللي بيخطبها ....... وركض بسرعة علشان يقراها
وهو بيموت علشان يعرف اللي فيها
وفتح الرسالة لقاها بسلامتها

كاتـبـــــة

انا زهقت من كثر الوحدة وبصراحة انتظرتك كثير))
ولو سمحت من غير فضايح ارسلي صورتي اللي معك))

طبعا خوينا الشاب .. احترق دمه وضاق
صدره وقعد يفكر كثيييييييييييييير لحد ما وصل لحل

فجأة جمع كل اصحابه في الكتيبة وقال لهم كل اللي
معه صورة بنت يطلعها حتى لو كانت صورة امه او اخته تكفون شباب

وجمع كل الصور وحطها في ظرف وارسل الظرف ل حبيبته


وقال لها آسف يا حبيبتي
بس انا ما أذكر انتي مين بالضبط من البنات هذي ....!!؟
عموما شوفي صورتك اي وحدة فيهم ورجعي الباقي ...!!!!!؟؟؟

[orange infection]

Un garçon demande à son grand-papa:

Dis, papy, c'est quoi pour toi l'amour?

Le papy de 80 ans repond:C'est simple

à 20 ans, c'est MMS

à 40 ans, c'est MMS

à 60 ans, c'est MMS

et à 80 ans, c'est toujours MMS

Tu peux m'expliquer, Papy ??


Bien sur,

à 20 ans, c'est Matin Midi et Soir

à 40 ans, c'est Mardi Mercredi et Samedi

à 60 ans c'est Mars Mai et Septembre

et à 80 ans, c'est... Mes Meilleurs Souvenirs

[lady_forever]

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car .


They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let
her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a rea l gentleman
and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles
immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first
date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'


Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Layyouss]

رئيس حزب السلام روجيه أده يهدد من بكركي بإزالة العماد عون