Old and New Jokes!!!

[Orongeade]

ختيارة اغتصبوها ثلات شباب
بعد يومين كمشتهم الشرطة
قاموا بعتوا ورا الختيارة وسألوها:

شو بدك منهم يا ستنا ؟

قامت قالت لهم:



قبل كل شي , يرجعوا يمثلوا الجريمة

[Frisbeetarian]

Stolen Car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

[December Rain]

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.

" Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

" Sure," replied Jesus. " What do I have to do?"

" Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

" Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, " What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. " Did you have any family?" he asked.

" Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. " You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?" " Well,almost everyone has heard of my son,he didn't really come into this world in the usual way,I sent him out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect....he also had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more,looked into the old man's eyes and whispered, " Father?"

The old man's face brightened,he leaned forward and whispered, " Pinocchio?"

[Kakou]

Une religieuse prend un taxi et constate que le beau chauffeur n'arrête pas de la regarder.


Elle lui demande pourquoi il la regarde si intensément.


Il répond : "j' ai une question à vous poser, mais ne voudrais pas vous offenser.


Elle répond "Mon fils, tu ne peux pas m' offenser. Quand tu auras mon âge et aura été une religieuse aussi longtemps que je l' ai été, tu auras vu et entendu à peu près tout. Je suis certaine que rien de ce que tu pourrais me dire ou me demander ne serait une offense."


"Et bien, j' ai toujours eu le fantasme qu 'une religieuse me donne un baiser."


Elle répond : "Et bien, nous allons voir ce que nous pouvons faire. Premièrement vous devez être célibataire et deuxièmement vous devez être catholique."


Le chauffeur du taxi est très excité et dit : "Oui, je suis célibataire et je suis catholique !"


"O.K." dit la religieuse.


"Tournez dans la prochaine contre-allée."


La religieuse comble son fantasme avec un baiser à faire rougir une prostituée.. Alors qu 'ils reprennent leur route, le chauffeur commence à pleurer.


"Mon cher enfant", dit la religieuse, pourquoi pleures-tu ?


"Pardonnez moi pour avoir péché. Je dois confesser que j' ai menti ; je suis marié et je suis juif."


La religieuse dit: "ne vous en faites pas. Je m' appelle Christophe et je vais à un bal masqué."

[lady_forever]

وحده شلحت بنطلونها ورمته قدام زوجها وقالت له:‎
حسّسني إني إمرأة
قام شلح بنطلونه ورماه قدامها وقالها: إغسلي الإثنين واكويهم

[lady_forever]

.

قال مرّة كان في أرنب أبيض وحلو كتير بس أعمى.

إجى مرّة وجرَّب يطلع بطلعا قويّة كتير، وبس وصل على نصّها، تفركش ووقع ! وصار يتدحرج ويتدحرج توصل على كعب الوادي وإجا واقع على ضهرو على ضهر ضفدعة .



صرخت الضفدعة وقالت: مين إنت يللي وقعت عليّي ؟



قلها: أنا صوفي أبيض وناعم وحلو كتير، سريع كتير والصيّادة ما بيقدرو يلقتوني، الناس كلّا بتحبني لأني ما بزعجها ولأني كتير مهضوم، وأنا أعمى...



قالت الضفدعة : عرفتك ! عرفتك ! مش إنتا الأرنب الأعمى؟



ردّ الأرنب وقلّها: صح، هيدا أنا، بس إنتي مين؟



قالتلو الضفدعة : أنا جلدي ورأسي مالس وبيزحِّط، عينيّيه باظّين ونافرين لبرّا، بضَلّني قعقي ليل ونهار، ما بسكت أبداً، الناس كلّا بتنزجع منّي...



ردّ الأرنب وقلّو: عرفتك! عرفتك! مش إنتا...



وليد جنبلاط بيك ؟!

[lady_forever]

Old Timer Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[Nayla]

ولد يسأل أمه: شو يعني ملاك ؟
ردت: مخلوق من نور يطير في السماء
قال الولد: سمعت بابا يقول لسكرتيرته يا ملاكي بس ما طارت !
قالت الأم: اليوم بتطير
--------------------------------------------------

واحد حب يجامل و يدلع زوجته قال لها: انتي حمامه
قالت: لا أنا غزاله
قالها: المهم حيوانه

[December Rain]

Gilette Razors spokesperson

[lady_forever]

رن الموبايل وشغل السبيكر..

وقال: ألو .. ردت الزوجة : أهلين عمري هيدا انا

انت بالنادي صح؟؟

رد الرجل: اجل اجل

قالتلو حبيبي انا بالسوق وشفت مالطو جلد بيجنن حبيبي مش غالي بس $1000

قالها ولا يهمك حبيبتي اشتريه..

رجعت قالتلو وحبيبي مرئت على معرض المرسيدس شفت سيارة مرسيدس 2009 بتجنن حقها $150000

قالها بس.. ولا يهمك حبيبتي اشتريها وتكون فل أوبشن كمان.

قالتلو حبيبي والبيت اللي كنا بدنا نشتريه السنة الماضية لقيتو معروض للبيع شو رأيك ناخدو .. معروض ب $550000

قالها فاوضيهن حبيبتي واذا قبلو ب $540000

اشتريه دغري.

قالتلو اوكي حبيبي يلا بحكي معك بعدين وبخبرك شو صار .. بحبك.

الرجال : وانا كمان بحبك. باي روحي.

بس سكر الموبايل لقى كل اللي بالنادي عم يتطلعوا فيه مذهولين ومستغربين.

قام وسأل بكللللل برائة::



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يا شباب حدا بيعرف مين صاحب هالموبايل!!!!