Old and New Jokes!!!

[lady_forever]

Scientists finally discovered what's wrong with Samir Geagea's brain:

On the left side there's nothing right,

On the right side there's nothing left.

[Kakou]

On a Vatican Press Release:

"Be all Women informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with somebody and screaming:
-Oh my God *
-Oh my God *
-Oh my God *

will not be considered PRAYING"

[Kakou]

FORMATION OFFERTE AUX HOMMES
THEME DU STAGE: Devenir aussi intelligent qu'une femme ( donc être parfait).
OBJECTIF PEDAGOGIQUE:
Cours de formation permettant aux hommes d'éveiller cet organe, appelé CERVEAU, dont ils ignorent l'existence.

PROGRAMME:4 MODULES OBLIGAT OIRES

MODULE 1 : COURS OBLIGATOIRES

1. Apprendre à vivre sans sa mère (2000 heures )
2. Ma femme n'est pas ma mère ( 350 heures )
3. je donne ma paie à ma femme (550 heures)
4. Comprendre que le foot n'est qu'un sport, et Ronaldo un crétin ( 500 heures)
5. Ma femme n'est pas mon infirmière
6.. Ma femme n'est pas ma bonne

MODULE 2 : LA VIE A 2
1. Ne pas devenir jaloux ( 50 heures )
2. J'arrête de dire des niaiseries quand ma femme reçoit ses amies (500 heures )
3. Vaincre le syndrome de la télécommande ( 550 heures)
4. Je ne pisse pas à côté. Je m'avance un peu, j'oublie ma prétention... ( exercice pratique avec vidéo 100 heures)
5. Je ne transforme pas la salle de bains en piscine municipale lors de ma douche...
6. Comment se rendre jusqu'au panier à linge sans se perdre? ( 500 heures )
7. Comment survivre à un rhume sans penser être à l'article de la mort? (200 heures )
8. Savoir s'habiller tout seul , choisir ses vêtements tout seul, ne pas faire semblant de ne pas savoir où se trouve l'armoire.

MODULE 3 : DETENTE ET LOISIRS
1. Le ménage ..... une activité familiale et valorisante.
2. Je mémorise les journées de sortie des poubelles.
3. J'apprends par coeur la définition du mot ' ASPIRATEUR' : ' appareil ménager, servant à aspirer les poussières, les menus déchets' ( j'en profite pour gagner du temps en regardant le Niveau 1 du module 4 )
4. Savoir se servir d'une éponge...
5. Savoir ramasser les dégâts après une séance de bricolage...
6. Réviser son français : le féminin de ' assis devant la télé ' n'est pas ' debout devant la cuisinière'

MODULE 4: COURS DE CUISINE
Niveau 1 ( débutant ): Les appareils ménagers :
- 'ON' = mettre en marche
- 'OFF' = arrêter ( ... l'appareil)

Niveau 2 (avancé) : Mon premier ' quick soupe' sans brûler l'eau.
(Exercices pratiques: Faire bouillir l'eau avant d'ajouter les spaghettis)

Niveau 3 (expert): Faire du café sans oublier ni l'eau, ni le café, et ne pas utiliser le soluble qui est incompatible avec la cafetière. Savoir servir le café, sans en foutre la moitié à côté.

Niveau 4 (best off) : apprendre les recettes de base (exercices pratiques : omelette, poulet rôti, steak grillé, légumes à l'eau, riz...)

[lady_forever]

AUSSIE LOVE STORY



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

The agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma

Of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

From the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

Out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the

Railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.



With laboured breath, he leaned against the

Door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's

Agony, he would have thought himself alreadyin heaven, for

There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were

Literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

Devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

This world a happy man?




Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

Towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the

Edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

With a spatula..




**** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Kakou]

Nice sentences...



3 Easy Ways to Die :

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.



1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells

her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.



2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY


3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE..


4.. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.


6.. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone....

Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR...



7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.

If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.



8.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

Answer : On their MARRIAGE.



9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.

Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.



10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.

Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.

[Rors]

A kid went to his mom and asked her: men wein byejo lwled?
Mom replied: mnel malfoufeh
Kid went to his little sister and told her: trekeh emmik 3ala niyyeta

[abientot]

Dr. geagea tole3 3al talej bi faraya, houwe w honik we23et edemo 3a tiza mara kesrweniyye.
fa be2oum bemed 2ido w bese3eda ta t2oum
fa bet2ello: yi mr merci ktirr bas min inta?
fa 2em shel l casque.

Alet: yii samir, merciii!!!!!
alla madame ma bade shi mennik, bas wa2ta l intikhabet intikhbineh
aletlo: sorry bas ana w2e3et 3a tize mesh 3a rasse !

[shevchenco]

believe it or not, from filkka :

حديث الابناء مع الوالدين
ولد قال لأمه:- الثور بمزرعتنا ( قوي) كل يوم بينط على بقره
قالت الام: ارفع صوتك مشان الثور يللي جنبك يسمع ...
قال الأب:- بينط على نفس البقره ولا بيغيرها؟
قال الولد:- لاء كل يوم بقره شكل...
قال الأب:- ارفع صوتك خلـّي البقرة يللي جنبك تسمع

[lady_forever]

الابن عم يقول لأمه:- الثور بمزرعتنا ( قوي) كل يوم بينط على بقرة!!

قالت الام بحسرة : ارفع صوتك يا ابني، مشان الثور يللي جنبك يسمع؟!

الأب قاعد عم يسمع الحكي، قام سأل ابنه:

دخلك هالثوربينط على نفس البقرة ولا بيغيرها؟

قالوا ابنه : لأ يا بيي، كل يوم بينط عا بقرة شكل....

ضحك البي وقالوا :- ارفع صوتك يا ابني، خلـّي البقرة يللي جنبك تسمع!!!

[lady_forever]

Don't touch this!!


In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW; warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.... The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your pillow.'


Men, they simply don't listen!!