Old and New Jokes!!!

[Nadnoud]

An Israeli arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out the entry form, the immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The Israeli promptly replies: "No, no, just visiting!"

[lady_forever]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On dit que la langue française est compliquée, mais que dire alors de l'anglaise !

Français: De 1h58 à 2h02, ou : de une heure cinquante-huit à deux heures deux.

Anglais: From two to two to two two.




Français: Trois sorcières regardent trois montres Swatch. Quelle sorcière regarde quelle montre Swatch ?

Anglais: Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?




Et maintenant pour les spécialistes…

Français : Trois sorcières suédoises et transsexuelles regardent les boutons de trois montres Swatch suisses. Quelle sorcière suédoise transsexuelle regarde quel bouton de quelle montre Swatch suisse ?

Anglais : (accrochez-vous) Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches. Which Swedish switched witch watch which Swiss Swatch watch switch?


VIVE LE FRANÇAIS !!!

[Kakou]

أزواج للبيع




في إحدى المدن تم افتتاح متجر لبيع (الأزواج) حيث يمكن للمرأة الذهاب لاختيار زوج بنفسها ومن بين التعليمات التي وضعت في المدخل حول أسلوب عمل المتجر : أن للمرأة فرصة الدخول مرة واحدة للمتجر ! ويمكن الاختيار من أحد الطوابق أو الذهاب إلى الطابق الآخر الأعلى منه ولكن لا يمكن النزول إلى أسفل.

:

:

دخلت إحدى النساء (لمتجر الأزواج) لاختيار زوج لها

في مدخل الطابق الأول علامة :

الرجال هنا لديهم عمل

وفي مدخل الطابق الثاني علامة :

الرجال هنا لديهم عمل ويحبون أطفالهم

وفي مدخل الطابق الثالث علامة :

الرجال هنا لديهم عمل

ويحبون أطفالهم وشكلهم جذاب



وكانت المرأة تـفكـر 'واو ولكن سأستمر بالصعود'



وقد وصلت إلى الطابق الرابع لتجد علامة :

الرجال هنا لديهم عمل ومؤمنون بالله ويحبون أطفالهم وشكلهم جذاب ويساعدون زوجاتهم في أعمال المنزل

فتعجبت في خلجات نفسها

' يا إلهي إني لا أستطيع التحمل سأوافق '

ولكنها استمرت بالصعود



وفي مدخل الطابق الخامس وجدت علامة :

الرجال هنا لديهم عمل ومؤمنون بالله ويحبون أطفالهم وشكلهم جذاب ولهم قابلية رومانسية عالية لمغازلة زوجاتهم دائماً



وفي مدخل الطابق السادس وجدت علامة :

الرجال هنا لديهم عمل ومؤمنون بالله ويحبون أطفالهم وشكلهم جذاب ولهم قابلية رومانسية عالية لمغازلة ولديهم المال والعقل

وكادت أن تطأ قدمها ذلك الطابق إلا أنها استمرت بالصعود



وفي مدخل الطابق السادس وجدت علامة :



أنـت الـزائـرة رقـم 4.363.012

ليس هناك أي رجال في هذا الطابق

أكثر من هيك ما بقى في

لأن هذا الطابق وجد خصيصا كبرهان أن النساء لا يمكن إرضاؤهن شكراً للتسوق في 'متجر الأزواج' وانتبهي لخطواتك وأنتِ تخرجين و ع قول اخوانا قحطي وردي الباب وراكي

[lady_forever]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, ' Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, 'What the hell,I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!'
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[lady_forever]

Abu El Abed went once to a hairdresser for a haircut.He tried to start a
conversation with the people while waiting.

Abu El Abed : Did you hear what Joumblatt said today?
'Barber : 'Allah Ykhallik, ma badna seeyasee bi hal mahal'.

After a few minutes

Abu El Abed : 'Do you know how the dollar is
doing today?
'Barber:'Allah Ykhallik, ma badna haki al dollar wel lira bi
hal mahal'.

Abu El Abed : 'Tayyeb feena nehke Sex?
'Barber : Maaloum!

Abu El Abed : 'eh ++++feek wou bi hal mahal.'

[lady_forever]

woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....
.
.

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife

[Layyouss]

واحد قوات راح يشتري دجاجة

القوات: بدي شي دجاجة ع زوقك

ألبائع: بدك ياها قوات او عونية؟

القوات: اكيد قوات

بعد دقائق من التفتيش

ألبائع: هيدي دجاجة قوات يا إستاذ

القوات: شكراًً، بس كيف عرفتا انا قوات؟

ألبائع: كلَون كانوا عم ياكلوا حبوب اللا هيدي كانت عم تاكل خرا

[Faithful]

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

**********

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

[Kakou]

Paul et Denis sont des malades mentaux qui resident dans un hôpital psychiatrique.

Un bon jour, ils passaient près de la piscine de l'hôpital, Paul plongea soudainement à l'eau et coula à pic.

Denis sauta à son tour pour ramener Paul à la surface.

Quand le directeur de l'hôpital apprit l'acte heroique de Denis, il a immédiatement ordonné de le laisser sortir de l'hôpital parce qu'il le jugeait mentalement stable à cause de cet acte de bravoure.

Le Directeur va rencontrer Denis pour lui apprendre la nouvelle, il lui dit:

- " Denis, j'ai une bonne et une mauvaise nouvelle à t'apprendre! La bonne, c'est que nous te laissons sortir de l'hôpital parce que tu as été capable d'accomplir un acte de bravoure en sauvant la vie d'une autre personne. Je crois que tu as retrouvé ton équilibre mental. La mauvaise, c'est que Paul s'est pendu, dans la salle de bains, avec la ceinture de sa robe de chambre!"

Denis répond au Directeur :

- " Il ne s'est pas pendu, c'est moi qui l'ai accroché pour qu'il sèche..."

[Abou-Eddie]

Un Saoudien rentre chez un concessionnaire Mercedes de Riyadh.
Il avise une superbe berline rutilante, qu'une pub désigne comme "la première voiture 100% islamique".

Le concessionnaire lui explique : - C'est le dernier cri de la technologie, une boîte automatique à commandes vocales. Pour démarrer vous dites "Bismillah", pour accélérer vous dites "Hamdulillah", pour freiner vous dites "Subhanallah".
- Génial, dit le client. Je peux l'essayer ?
- Mais je vous en prie !
Alors le mec se met au volant. "Bismillah" : c'est parti... "Hamdulillah" : la voiture accélère... Le voilà sur la route. Le moteur est silencieux, le confort impeccable, l'air conditionné, il monte à 140...

Soudain en haut d'une côte il voit que devant lui la route est coupée par un précipice, car un pont s'est effondré. Horreur ! Freiner, vite !!!

"Euh... Allahu akbar ! Non c'est pas ça ! Mashallah, Mashallah !!! Non c'est pas ça ! Meeerde !!! C'était quoi ??? Ah oui : Subhanallah ! Subhanallah !!!" A la dernière seconde, la voiture freine et s'arrête pile sur le bord du précipice...

Alors le mec essuie la sueur de son front en soupirant :
- "Ouf ! Hamdulillah !"

Son enterrement a eu lieu le lendemain.