Old and New Jokes!!!

[mickey117]

3 Men in a USSR prison are discussing the cause of their arrest.

The first one says:
I arrived 5 minutes earlier to the party's meeting, so I was accused of Spying

The second:
I arrived 5 minutes later to the party's meeting, so I was accused of Sabotage

The Third
I arrived on time to the party's meeting, so I was accused to have bought my watch from the west...

I love this Joke!!

[Layyouss]

A VERY OLD man went into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side (TOP MODEL, 23 yrs old).

He told the jeweler He was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend, the jeweler brought to them a diamond ring at $40,000!

The young lady's eyes shined and her whole body trembled with excitement...
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"...

And the old man to add: I'll pay you by check, I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write It now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

Monday morning, the very upset jeweler phoned the old man and said:

"There's no money in that account"!!!!!

The old man answered: Of course I know..., "but can you imagine the weekend I had"???

[lady_forever]

An American soldier who was serving in Iraq called his mother on the
phone.
As soon as his mom answered, he started kissing the phone as if
Kissing his mom: "moa moa moa moa moa moa moa moa moa moa moa moa ...
"The mom said:"

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Nevertheless, the Soldier continued kissing the phone 24 million times.

His mom asked him "What are all these kisses for?"

He said, "These are on behalf of all the Iraqi people. They love you so much".

His mother wondered and asked him "Why do you think that?"

The soldier said:

Whenever I meet Iraqis, they keep Telling me "KISS UMMAK"

[lady_forever]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
> MARIA: Here it is.
> TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
> CLASS: Maria.
> ____________ _________ _________ ______
>
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> ____________ _________ _________ ____________
>
>
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> ____________ _________ _________ __ ____________
>
>
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> ____________ _________ _________ ____
>
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> ____________ _________ _________ ____________
>
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
> ____________ _________ _________ ___
>
>
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
> ____________ _________ _________ ________
>
> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ____________ _________ _________
>
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
> ____________ _________ _________ _____
>
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher

[Nayla]

واحد حمصي مسافر هو و مرتو و ولادو و كل الطريق و هو يقول: يا ريت جبت التلفزيون ... يا ريت جبت التلفزيون
و لما وصلوللمطار مرتو قالتلو: صرعتنا بهالتلفزيون لشو بدك ياه.. قال:
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نسيت جوازات السفر عليه

[Venom]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

المحامي: يا دكتور! أليس صحيحا أن الإنسان عندما يموت أثناء نومه, لا يعلم ذلك إلا في صباح اليوم التالي؟

الشاهد: هل تخرجت بالفعل من نقابة المحامين؟؟؟


____________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

المحامي : هل كنت موجوداُ بالفعل عندما تم تصويرك؟

الشاهد: هلا أعدت السؤال؟!!


_________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

المحامي: لديها ثلاثة أطفال, أليس كذلك؟

الشاهد: نعم

المحامي: كم كان لديها من البنين؟

الشاهد: لم يكن لديها أية بنين

المحامي: هل كان لديها بنات؟


_________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

المحامي: كيف انتهى زواجك الأول؟

الشاهد: بالوفاة

المحامي: و بوفاة من انتهى الزواج؟


_________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

المحامي: هلا وصفت لي ذلك الشخص؟

الشاهد: كان متوسط الطول وكانت له لحية.

المحامي: هل كان ذكراً أم أنثى؟


_________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

المحامي: هل تتذكر متى قمت بفحص الجثة؟

الشاهد: لقد بدأت عملية تشريح الجثة ما يقارب الساعة 8:30 مساءاً.

المحامي: وهل كان السيد دنتون ميتاً آنذاك؟

الشاهد: كلا لقد كان جالساً على الطاولة متسائلاُ لماذا أقوم بتشريح جثته؟


_________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been al ive and practicing law.

المحامي: يادكتور, قبل قيامك بعملية التشريح, هل قمت بفحص نبضه؟

الشاهد: كلا

المحامي : هل قمت بفحص ضغط دمه؟

الشاهد: كلا

المحامي: هل قمت بفحص تنفسه؟

الشاهد: كلا

المحامي: إذاً, من الممكن أن يكون المريض حياً عندما بدأت بعملية تشريح جثته؟

الشاهد: كلا

المحامي: و مالذي يجعلك متأكداً لهذه الدرجة, يا دكتور؟

الشاهد: لأن مخه كان على طاولتي موضوعاُ في قنينه.

المحامي: ولكن مع ذلك هناك احتمال أن يكون المريض لازال حياً؟

الشاهد: نعم , من الممكن انه كان حياً ويمارس مهنة المحاماة

[lady_forever]

يوم من الأيام


توجه فؤاد إبن المدينة إلى الريف وإتفق مع فلاح وإشترى حمارا
بمئة دولار على أن يستلم منه الحمار في اليوم التالي. في الموعد المحدد للتسليم أتاه الفلاح وقال:
إعذرني يا إبني عندي خبر سيء. الحمار مات
أجابه فؤاد : بسيطة ، رجعلي مصرياتي
قال الفلاح : بس أنا صرفت المصاري
فؤاد كمان بسيطة ، بآخد منك الحمار الميت . رد

سأله الفلاح : وشو بدك تعمل بالحمار الميت ؟

فؤاد : بدي أعمل عليه سحب يانصيب

الفلاح : معقول تعمل سحب يانصيب على حمار ميت؟
فؤاد : إيه ليش لا، أنا ما راح خبّر حدا إنه ميت. إنتظر وشوف


وبعد مرور شهر إلتقى الفلاح بفؤاد وسأله : شو صار بالحمار الميت ؟
فؤاد : عملت عليه سحب يانصيب، وبعت 500 بطاقة كل واحدة ثمنها دولارين و ربحت 998 دولار
الفلاح : وما حدا إعترض ؟ سأله
فؤاد: ما حدا إعترض إلا الشخص الذي ربح السحب، فرجعتله الدولارين
ومرّت الأيام وكبر فؤاد و صار رئيس وزراء لبنان

[lady_forever]

اتنين حماصنة عطالين بطالين كانوا قاعدين على الرصيف عم يتأملوا الرايح والجاية. شوي ووقفت قدامهن سيارة فيها واحد أجنبي. نزل الشباك وسألهن:


Hello guys! Do you speak English
قالوله: شووووو!!!!
رجع سألهن:
Est-ce que vous parlez fran ç ais
قالوله: شووووو!!!!
رجع سألهن:
Habla Espa ň ol
قالوله: شووووو!!!!
رجع سألهن:
Parla Italiano
قالوله: شووووو!!!!




الزلمة يأس وشغل السيارة ومشي.




قام قال واحد منهن للتاني: والله عيب علينا! مو شايف إنو صار لازم نتعلم شي لغة أجنبية؟

رد التاني: ليش بقى؟؟؟ شوف هالحمار يللي مشي من شوي بيحكي أربع لغات بشو فادوه دخلك؟؟؟؟

[orange infection]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

[LebanonUSA]

Hundreds Attend Global Warming Demonstration: