Old and New Jokes!!!

[Kakou]

Originally Posted by lady_forever

Lebanese conversation..hahaha

*متسطح بتختك ونايم ومطفي الضو ومتغطي بالبطانية بيجي واحد من أهلك بيفتح الباب ويقول :
شو نايم ؟؟
لأ !! عم ارقص.. بس الوضع بيوحي إني نايم


*معزومين ع بيت جماعة، ولما بتدقوا الباب .. بيفتح شي فهمان وبيقول بدهشة:هه
إجيتوا ؟؟؟
لا والله لساتنا عالطريق، في عجئة


*لابس أحلى أواعيك ومتعطّر وشايل مفاتيح السيارة وجزدانك ورايح لبرات البيت، بيجي حدا من أهلك بيسألك، شو رايحلك شي مشوار !!؟؟
لا والله طالع عالأسطوح صلّح الدش؟؟؟


حامل سماعة التلفون وعم تبلش تدق بالأرقام، بيجيك عنصر مفاجئ من أهلك وعلى
وجهه علائم الإستغراب والدهشة: بدك تحكي بالتلفون؟
لأ شو إحكي !!! بس كنت عم عد أزرار التلفون بركي ضاع شي واحد ؟؟؟


*حاطت راسك ونازل بهالكتب والدراسة، بيجي أبوك أو امك...: عم تدرس؟
لا والله ...!! عم غير زيت للسيارة


تطلع بالباص وبتطلع خمس مية ليرة وبتعطيها للسايق
وبكل برودة
بيئلك: واحد ؟
لأ 60 واحد ؟ ورجعلي الباقي



*بدك تنزل من الباص: عاليمين وحياتك.... بتتلقى الرد: نازل ؟؟
لا والله بس عم جرب صوتي

I know all of these before and I read most of them in a special thread about the Lebanese sayings... but the way you posted them was just HIIILLLARRIIOUSSS... I had tears in my eyes...

[Kakou]

Two "homemade" jokes...

An old man whom we know from a far parental link was telling us once:

إشترى لي أولادي مكيّفًا، أداروه وخرجوا... شعرت بالبرد ولم أعلم كيف أطفئه... "فشعّلت الصوبيا"...ههههه

Another one that made me laugh too much this morning... I woke up, wished a Happy New Year to my husband, then said:

هه... هلّق بلبنان ماشي الشّخير...هه

He answered....

أيّا شخير ماشية "السّيفونات"....ههه

NB: And to clear any misunderstanding, he meant that some LEBANESE ate too much and drank more... and now they blaming the "restaurant"...

[Frisbeetarian]

Crazy Lady
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No." she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?"
"No." she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No." she replied, "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

[Frisbeetarian]

Coma
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[Frisbeetarian]

Chili
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

[Frisbeetarian]

Biker Bar
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ***, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "**** it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

[Frisbeetarian]

Dispute
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Frisbeetarian]

Halloween
A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

[Frisbeetarian]

Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"
"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


ROFL!

[Frisbeetarian]

Ma3 kel 3amaliyet seder sandwish batata balesh ya shabeb!