Old and New Jokes!!!

[Abou-Eddie]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her
shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that

[Dalzi]

Strategic Management Bible...

explains all...

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions,

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers

And they spoke among themselves saying:

It is a crock of s... and it stinketh .

And the workers went unto the supervisors

And sayeth;

It s a pile of dung and none may abide

The odour thereof .

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them:

It s a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.

And the managers went unto their directors

And sayeth:

It s a vessel of fertiliser and

None may abide its strength.

And the directors spoke amongst themselves,

Saying one to another:

It contains that which aids plant growth,

And it is very strong.

And the directors went unto CEO

And sayeth unto him:

It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the CEO went unto the chairman

And sayeth unto him:

This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this organization, and in these areas in particular.

And the chairman looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.

This is how **** happens.

[LebanonUSA]

the 3 stages of marriage:

Stage 1 (year 1 of marriage): It's f***ing all over the place: the stairs, the kitchen, the bedroom, dining room, living room, elevator, car,...

Stage 2 (year 2 - 5): It's f***ing in bed a couple of times a month if you're lucky.

Stage 3 (year 5 until you're lucky enough to die): It's screaming at each other across the hall "F*** You! "

[lady_forever]

A Canadian, an Australian, and a Homsi are in a bar
discussing the mental abilities of their wives.

The Canadian says, 'You know my wife must be the most
stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale
and bought $900 worth of meat, and she doesn't even have
a freezer!'

The Australian says, ' That's nothing ! My wife
went out last week to a showroom and bought a brand new
$30,000 car, and she doesn't even have a licence !'
Not to be out done,

the Homsi says, 'My wife is a lot dumber than that!
Last week she left for a holidays in Beirut with a pack of
20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a *****!

[†.)]

واحد حمصي اتجوز وحدة ...وبعد أربع شهور ونص خلفت ولد


سألها هالولد كيف أجه ونحنا متزوجين من أربع شهور ونص ؟؟؟


قالت له أنت متزوجني من ايمتا ؟؟


قال من أربع شهور ونص


قالت له وأنا متزوجتك من ايمتا ؟؟


قال من أربع شهور ونص


قالتله هيك بيصيرو 9 شهور


قال الزوج....أخ هلا ارتحت ..خليتيني شك فيكي

[Kakou]

Some are already posted but I couldn't make the selection!!

· واحد حمصي لغى الموعد مع الدكتور لانه كان مرضان ها ها ها.

· كان في واحد حمصي قال له صاحبه شفت مبارح مرتك راكبة مع رجل غريب بسيارتك وعم بتسوق بسرعة رد الحمصي : مش مشكلة هي بتعرف تسوق منيح ....


· حمصي اشترى خليوي... مرة كان جالس عندخطيبته فجاة رن الخليوي وبعد ما خلص كلام على الخليوي مع رفيقه قال!؟ عجيبي يه شو عرفو إنو أنا هون.

· في ثلاثة حماصنة سرقو بنك ..عجزو عن عد المصاري قالوا آآآي بكرة نعرف من الجرايد

· في واحد حمصي راح يخطب وحده قام الولو اهلها والله البنت عم تدرس فاجاب الحمصي : طيب برجع بعد نص ساعة .

· كان في ولد حمصي ساله الاستاذ مين من الحيوانات يصحينا على صلاة الفجر فقال الولد:بابا

· كيف تجعل الحمصي يقرأ رسالة إلى الأبد؟؟؟ أكتب على الوجهين 'إقلب الورقة'

· شو آخر اختراعات الحماصنة...؟؟ بيل يعمل على الطاقة الشمسية...هاهاها

· في واحد حمصي اول مره بحياتوا بياكل علكه قام حلف يمين ما ينام الليل الا لما يخلصها.

· قال في حمصي صغير سأل امه: ماما بس يكبرو رفقاتي مع مين بدي العب

· قال 100 حمصي عميدهنوا باص, واحد ماسك الفرشاية و 99 عبيحركوا الباص

· في واحد حمصي دخل الى الصيدليه ومعه 'ألتيكو' وعينه مسكره قال للصيدلي: في احسن من هل قطره؟

· وقف الحمصي امام المراية قام قال مدري وين شايف هالوش قام بعد شوي تذكر انوا شايفوا عند الحلاق

· حمصي عندو سبع ولاد سمى حالو سفن أب

· كان في واحد حمصي بجنينة الحيوانات بمصر بدويلاعب الدب آم مد راسو بألب القفص آمو صاروا يصرخوا العالم آم ألون شبكون خايفين شو لح آكلو

حمصي ماشي...... تعب من المشي آم صار يركض

حمصي طنت أبوه عطاه كتب دين بعد اسبوع دخل على أبو
و أللو :بابا ...بدي اتحجب

حمصي عم يلطش صبية
آلتلو : حل عني
أللا : ليش الأسئلة صعبة!!؟؟

واحد حمصي شاف وحدي حلوي بالباص.... عجبتو
لما نزل أخد رأم الباص

حمصي اتصل على بيت عالم
ألو....هون فرحان؟؟
لا والله , غلطان
أي لكن ليش رديتو؟؟

حمصي و مرتو تبنوا ولد من الهند و بلشوا يتعلموا هندي مشان وأت يكبر يفهموا عليه

حماصني اخترعوا باص بالعرض ليش؟؟
مشان كلن يئعدوا من أدام

حمصي فكر آم عضل دماغو

حمصي آل لخطيبتو بس زمرلك انزلي
آلتلو : يااااااااي , اشتريت سيارة؟؟؟؟
أللا : لاء بس اشتريت زمور


في واحد حمصي اشترى سيارة حديثة 'بي إم دبليو' لما فتح الراديو سمع هنا لندن قال : يفضح

عرضها ما اسرعا ..



ليش الحمصي الصغير أذكى من الحمصي الكبير ؟؟ .. لأنو ما صرلو زمان حمصي


قال في مره حمصي بدو يعمل عملية انتحارية ، قام فات على مطعم وضرب حالو بالسكين ، قام ماتو تلاته من كتر الضحك .. !!


في طالبين وصولو المدرسة متأخرين ، سأل الأستاذ واحد منهم وهو غضبان وينك لهلا ، قاله وهو عم يبكي في ليرة ضاعتلي وكنت عم دور عليها وما معي غيرها مصروف ، وسأل التاني وأنت وينك لهلا ليش متأخر ، قاله كنت داعسه عالليرة .


ليش الحمصي بيلبس جرابات خضر ؟؟ .. لأنو خضر بيلبسلو
جراباتو


في حمصي معه موز قاعد بالباص بيقشر الموزة وبيغطها بالسكر و بيرميها من الشباك ، كرر العملية أربع خمس مرات سألوه الناس ليش هيك عم تعمل ؟؟ ببساطة جاوب أنا ما بحب الموز بسكر .


تسعة حماصنة سموا أنفسهم الابطال الثلاثة


واحد حمصي لحق حرامي فسبقه


قال مرة واحد حمصي أحول طلّق مرت أخوه


ليش الحمصي لما ينام يضع (يحط) تحت راسه خيارة ، الجواب :
لأنو إذا حط بندورة بتنفعس


مره كان في واحد حمصي مسافر بالقطار وقعد جنبه واحد ، فقال اللي جنب الحمصي : انا بردان من الشباك ، فقاللو الحمصي : تشرفنا وانا حمدان من حمص


كان في واحد حمصي وضع يده في برميل من حمض الكبريت فعندما سحبها لم يجدها فأدخل رأسه حتى يدور عليها .. !!


اثنين حماصنة كانوا عم يلعبوا شطرنج ، من قد ما طولت المباراة معهم مات الملك بجلطة


أحول تجوز ، تاني يوم سألته امه شو صار معكن ، قلها ما قدرنا
نعمل شي أختها طول الوقت قاعدة جنبها



حمصي راح لعند رفيقه يشكيله همه قالو : إني ما عم اعرف غازل خطيبتي ، قالو : اليوم روح معي وسماع أنا شو بقول لخطيبتي وتعلم
وتاني يوم راح هو وخطيبته عالبحر بالليل ، قلها : شايفه القمر ، قالت له : أيه ، قالها خطيبة رفيقي أحلى منه .


ليش الحمصي بكون غبي لما يكون خارج حمص ؟ .. لأنه بكون خارج نطاق التغطية


في أربعه حماصنة كانوا عم يلعبو على الأوتستراد ، فاتفقو الي
بيندعس أربع مرات بيطلع برة اللعبة


في واحد حمصي اتصل بالإطفاء وقال شو إذا ما في حريق ما منشوفكن؟؟


من وين بتستخرج سوريا السمسم ؟؟ .. من البرازق ..


ليش الحمصي بحط ليرة بكاسة مي ؟ .. مشان يشرب مياه معدنية

[amalhope]

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows. Both are voting for Mobarak.

A SYRIAN CORPORATION: You have 2 cows but are looking into exchanging them for horses to benefit from the historical TV series production market.

A PALESTINIAN CORPORATION: You operate from another country - with a partner who carries the citizenship of that country - on aid you receive from the PLO and other sources. You had a farm and 2 cows in the past. Zionists stole the farm in 1948 and one cow in 1967. You have one ailing cow left. You send thank you letters to Abbas every month for his efforts on brokering a potential peace deal with Israel that guarantees a jug of milk every year. You receive letters from Haneyyeh urging you to grow a beard and veil your cow as you wait for him to liberate the farm that had been dispossessed 60 years ago.

A LEBANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both die suddenly. You search for the Truth -- indefinitely.

[lady_forever]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample to mo rrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and
empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right
hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mo uth, first with
the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still
nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next
door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and
she even tried squeezin'
it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could
get the jar open.'

[Dalzi]

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.



Employer's response:

Dear Bryan

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

[hoda25]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied..."You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"