Old and New Jokes!!!

[orange infection]

*In U.S.A .........................*



*1- Go to the club*
*2-catch a
gurl and smile 4 her *
*3-Buy her a drink*
*4-some talking*
*5-then
invite her home ..*






*In Europe*



*1-Go to skool *
*2-Find a Cute
gurl in ur skool*
*3-ask her 4 date*
*4-go with her to the first date then
walk with her to her house !!
kiss her!!
*5-go
with her in a second date .. then walk with her to ur house!!


then invite
her to the house .....*









*In Lebanon*





*1-Go buy A Cool Car (mishen el benet
t7ebak)*



*2-Go and make ur hair In Versace (mishen
tsir cool)*



*3-Go Drive In Kazdoura Or Tla3 3a Ehden(matra7
ykoun fi girls)



*4-Put Loud ENGLISH music (tab3an el shab
bikoun 3am yhez raso wo mesh fehim shi men el song!!)*



*5-Start talking with a gurl (shou ya 7elwi
........................ sho hal ta3jeh ya na3jeh ... like this )



*6-after 5-6 days of hard working in Driving u will
catch one
(tab3an bta3teek
ra2ma)



*7-start callin her daily u need 3
Alfa Credit Recharges In 1 month ..( tab3an kel el 7aki
bekoon
wallah ana awal ma sheftek 7abaytik ......................... inti
awal wa7deh b7eba...ana yali b7eba wala momken khouna ... tab3an
el shab bedal ye7ke !
wo after an hour of talking she says
just
3 words : 1-yeah 2- Thanks 3-Bye



*8-after 1 month u ask her for the first date and u
take her to
Cafe ...(tab3an el benet betjib
kel ref2ata ma3a ! mishen
ya3touha ra2yon
bel shab ! or mishen te2heron !



*9-at the end of date ! she have a call from her
dad
(yalla 7abibti waynik la halla2 wo
men hal 7ake)



*10- So she needs to go ! (tab3an el shab byetlob el
bill ! wo
bisir ykhabiya 3an el
2a3deen ! 3ala 2ases inou el

shab el shahem yali ma bikhliya tedfa3 !
bas
el miskin metlabas
fiya wo b ref2ata !! fa be7ot 40000 L.L !


wo mishen ybayen inou mesh se2len 3an el money !
byetrok Tips 5000 L.L ..

11-Back to home and call her !!
(tab3an el shab bikoun safef edem bayta
wo
bye7kila : ya allah wallah tmanet
inou el yom ma yekhlas ,, law

be2dar wa2ef el wa2et bass ,, ya 3omre kif ken shaklek wallah kenti
mghatiyeh 3an
el kel ! wel
gurl have 4 words this time :



1-Yeah 2-Thanks 3-mesh la hal darajeh
ya3ne 4-bye



*12-After 2 Weeks u ask her 4 a Date ........................ alone
......................... (ba3ed alf mara tetrajeha maybe te2bal !
*13-Go to cinema
(lezim shroot ! inou ma ykouno b ekher seat ! wo lezim
ykoon
bayna wo bayno kerse wa7ad wo ma
yetala3 fiya la2ana bet7eb
trakez bel movie
........................
*14-After The movie u take her to walk (tab3an hiyeh mesh
walk
hiyeh tal3et daraj 3al city
complex

*15- u hold her hand (el security byetala3 fikon and wo
bilaze2 fikon !


so el benet
btez3al 2al lesh el security fakar tafkeer mesh mnee7 !


wo
bterja3 3a bayta za3leni(inou 3ala ases heyi ktir sensitive wo ktir



mhazbi wo
inou hal ma3ma3at ma bifoutou bi rasa w shou masket 2id


w hal
7araket el bala ta3me ) wel shab birou7 bye3la2 ma3 el security




*16-After 1500 missed call the gurl answers and says



(sho badak?! 3ajabak
ana 7ada yfaker inni B**** ...wo bel
ekher
byetla3 el 7a2 3lekk
lesh msaket her hand !)*



*17-U will go to Apologize 2 her .. (tab3an
betroo7 bteshteri
akbar wo 2at2al

hadeya...clothes,flowers,perfume and a big bear

*18- she will smile and
back again ..*



*19-after 2 months u ask her for a date (tab3an
ba3ed ma tkoon
nesyet sho sar hadek el
yom ! mishen el benet kteer
senstive
...7aram
)*



*20-she will say yes (w bet2ilo ma t2elli wala
tjebli siret el cine aw el city complex again !



wo 7zor sho? !
tab3an
el shab b2illa 7ader



*21- she go on a drive with him in
the car ( tab3an el shab bi7et slow songs !


wo
bibalesh yet7atam eddema !

then bisof ma7al fadi !
wo byemsik
2ida wo bibalesh 7aki 7elo !



*22-then he get closer want to kiss her (3ala
khadda tab3an !!)
hiyeh betseer
tsarekh .. SHO SHAYFNE ANA ?? METEL EL BANET YALI KENET TE3REFON
,, ANA 3OMRO MA SHAB YELMESNI :s :s :s :s NAZELNI HALLA2 YALLA




*23-the gurl went to her home ..(el shab bidalo
yde2ila wo her mob msakar ! wo bedal ylef wo ydawer jamb bayta wo be7et
goerge wassouf
wo bebalesh ydakhen ! wo hiyeh la 7ayat Liman tounadi
!!



*24-after 3 months (el shab bikon met7atem wo b
2arer yente7ir !


wo heyi betkoun la2et
wa7ad tene wo sa7abeto w saret tedhar ma3o w nafs el 2essa !





*25- end of love storyy !



*26- wel shab 2a3ad 3a khazou2

[mount_amel]

Originally Posted by orange infection

*In U.S.A .........................*



*1- Go to the club*
*2-catch a
gurl and smile 4 her *
*3-Buy her a drink*
*4-some talking*
*5-then
invite her home ..*






*In Europe*



*1-Go to skool *
*2-Find a Cute
gurl in ur skool*
*3-ask her 4 date*
*4-go with her to the first date then
walk with her to her house !!
kiss her!!
*5-go
with her in a second date .. then walk with her to ur house!!


then invite
her to the house .....*









*In Lebanon*





*1-Go buy A Cool Car (mishen el benet
t7ebak)*



*2-Go and make ur hair In Versace (mishen
tsir cool)*



*3-Go Drive In Kazdoura Or Tla3 3a Ehden(matra7
ykoun fi girls)



*4-Put Loud ENGLISH music (tab3an el shab
bikoun 3am yhez raso wo mesh fehim shi men el song!!)*



*5-Start talking with a gurl (shou ya 7elwi
........................ sho hal ta3jeh ya na3jeh ... like this )



*6-after 5-6 days of hard working in Driving u will
catch one
(tab3an bta3teek
ra2ma)



*7-start callin her daily u need 3
Alfa Credit Recharges In 1 month ..( tab3an kel el 7aki
bekoon
wallah ana awal ma sheftek 7abaytik ......................... inti
awal wa7deh b7eba...ana yali b7eba wala momken khouna ... tab3an
el shab bedal ye7ke !
wo after an hour of talking she says
just
3 words : 1-yeah 2- Thanks 3-Bye



*8-after 1 month u ask her for the first date and u
take her to
Cafe ...(tab3an el benet betjib
kel ref2ata ma3a ! mishen
ya3touha ra2yon
bel shab ! or mishen te2heron !



*9-at the end of date ! she have a call from her
dad
(yalla 7abibti waynik la halla2 wo
men hal 7ake)



*10- So she needs to go ! (tab3an el shab byetlob el
bill ! wo
bisir ykhabiya 3an el
2a3deen ! 3ala 2ases inou el

shab el shahem yali ma bikhliya tedfa3 !
bas
el miskin metlabas
fiya wo b ref2ata !! fa be7ot 40000 L.L !


wo mishen ybayen inou mesh se2len 3an el money !
byetrok Tips 5000 L.L ..

11-Back to home and call her !!
(tab3an el shab bikoun safef edem bayta
wo
bye7kila : ya allah wallah tmanet
inou el yom ma yekhlas ,, law

be2dar wa2ef el wa2et bass ,, ya 3omre kif ken shaklek wallah kenti
mghatiyeh 3an
el kel ! wel
gurl have 4 words this time :



1-Yeah 2-Thanks 3-mesh la hal darajeh
ya3ne 4-bye



*12-After 2 Weeks u ask her 4 a Date ........................ alone
......................... (ba3ed alf mara tetrajeha maybe te2bal !
*13-Go to cinema
(lezim shroot ! inou ma ykouno b ekher seat ! wo lezim
ykoon
bayna wo bayno kerse wa7ad wo ma
yetala3 fiya la2ana bet7eb
trakez bel movie
........................
*14-After The movie u take her to walk (tab3an hiyeh mesh
walk
hiyeh tal3et daraj 3al city
complex

*15- u hold her hand (el security byetala3 fikon and wo
bilaze2 fikon !


so el benet
btez3al 2al lesh el security fakar tafkeer mesh mnee7 !


wo
bterja3 3a bayta za3leni(inou 3ala ases heyi ktir sensitive wo ktir



mhazbi wo
inou hal ma3ma3at ma bifoutou bi rasa w shou masket 2id


w hal
7araket el bala ta3me ) wel shab birou7 bye3la2 ma3 el security




*16-After 1500 missed call the gurl answers and says



(sho badak?! 3ajabak
ana 7ada yfaker inni B**** ...wo bel
ekher
byetla3 el 7a2 3lekk
lesh msaket her hand !)*



*17-U will go to Apologize 2 her .. (tab3an
betroo7 bteshteri
akbar wo 2at2al

hadeya...clothes,flowers,perfume and a big bear

*18- she will smile and
back again ..*



*19-after 2 months u ask her for a date (tab3an
ba3ed ma tkoon
nesyet sho sar hadek el
yom ! mishen el benet kteer
senstive
...7aram
)*



*20-she will say yes (w bet2ilo ma t2elli wala
tjebli siret el cine aw el city complex again !



wo 7zor sho? !
tab3an
el shab b2illa 7ader



*21- she go on a drive with him in
the car ( tab3an el shab bi7et slow songs !


wo
bibalesh yet7atam eddema !

then bisof ma7al fadi !
wo byemsik
2ida wo bibalesh 7aki 7elo !



*22-then he get closer want to kiss her (3ala
khadda tab3an !!)
hiyeh betseer
tsarekh .. SHO SHAYFNE ANA ?? METEL EL BANET YALI KENET TE3REFON
,, ANA 3OMRO MA SHAB YELMESNI :s :s :s :s NAZELNI HALLA2 YALLA




*23-the gurl went to her home ..(el shab bidalo
yde2ila wo her mob msakar ! wo bedal ylef wo ydawer jamb bayta wo be7et
goerge wassouf
wo bebalesh ydakhen ! wo hiyeh la 7ayat Liman tounadi
!!



*24-after 3 months (el shab bikon met7atem wo b
2arer yente7ir !


wo heyi betkoun la2et
wa7ad tene wo sa7abeto w saret tedhar ma3o w nafs el 2essa !





*25- end of love storyy !



*26- wel shab 2a3ad 3a khazou2

I dont think you live in Lebanon !! Because after couple drinks you can make her come to your appartment ..

[Tayyar Keserwen]

Originally Posted by mount_amel

I dont think you live in Lebanon !! Because after couple drinks you can make her come to your appartment ..

indeed... don't u just love Beirut?... dunno leish hal2ad m3awwas el ossa el shab hehehe

[orange infection]

check this joke

i didn't post the pic directly in the post cz the joke is dirty

[lady_forever]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why? yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[lady_forever]

أم العبد:خربت الغسالة بدنا غيرا يا أبو العبد

أبو العبد:شو مفكرتيني عبد طحّان

تشارعو وناموا زعلانين

و تاني يوم

أم العبد :خرب البراد بدنا غيرو يا أبو العبد

أبو العبد:شو مفكرتيني عبد طحّان

وناموا زعلانين تشارعوا

وصارت أم العبد كل يوم بدّا غرض

على كلمتو شو مفكرتيني عبد طحّان مكواية ومرة فرن ومرة.......وأبو العبد معنّد

وهونيك نهار

فات عالبيت لقى كل هالاغراض بالبيت: قال شو منين

قالتلو ام العبد: هودي كلّن من جارنا أبو صطيف لك روح الله يبارك بالجار المنيح

قاللها: والله من ايمتى هالادمي هيك وشو بدّو

قالتلو: قال بتعمليلي حلويات على مدة سنة بالمقابل أو بنام معك مرة

قاللها يعني بليتي حالك سنة بشغل الحلويات

قالتلو:والله شو مفكرني عبد الرحمن الحلاب

[lady_forever]

If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year,

only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank

and the Sperm Bank



Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called 'The Bloody ******* Bank





;) Have a good day

[Kakou]

Samir Geagea:
We can consider that the 8th of March candidate won in the USA...

[Dry Ice]

First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car . They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem. Due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down. "And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off. "Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Abou-Eddie]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'