Old and New Jokes!!!

[zoomzoom]

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was sitting in his office wondering how to invade Lebanon when his telephone rang.

Beirut's most famous imaginary character announces to him in a heavily accented voice: "This is Abul Abed and I am calling to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you."
"How big is your army?" replies Olmert.

"Right now," said Abul Abed, "there is myself, my cousin Mustafa, my next-door neighbor Abu Khaled, and the whole team from the tea house. That makes eight!"

Olmert paused. "I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

Abul Abed paused, then said: "Mr. Olmert, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Abul Abed?", Olmert asked.
"Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180s, and a truck."

"I must tell you Abul Abed that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two million!"

"Mr. Olmert, we have to call off this war," said Abul Abed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Olmert. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Abul Abed, "we've come to realize that there is no way we can feed two million prisoners!"

[Abou-Eddie]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to Make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

[Abou-Eddie]

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[Abou-Eddie]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turning to the would-be Samaritan she yelled,
‘How dare you touch my body? I don’t even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[Abou-Eddie]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
''Where in the hell have you been?''
Larry replies, ''I was out getting a tattoo.''
''A tattoo?'' She frowned. ''What kind of tattoo did you get?''
''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,'' he said proudly
''What the hell were you thinking?'' She said, shaking her head in disgust.
''Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?''
''Well, ONE, I like to watch my money grow. TWO, once in a while I like to play with my money. THREE, I like how money feels in my hand. And, LAST, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.''
Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[lady_forever]

واحد سوري دخل بيته فشاف زوجته عريانة

وشاف رجال بسريره معها عريان أيضا



أخد العصاية بدو يبلش يضرب فيهم من غيظه .... فصرخ الرجال أرجوك لا





هيدي الكاميرا الخفية



فرد الزوج وضحك وقال له



يا خيي هاي عاشر مرة تزورنا الكاميرا الخفية هالشهر

بارك الله بالتلفزيون السوري

[lady_forever]

اربع شياطين مجتمعين على حمصي؟
واحد يوسوس له وثلاثه يفهمونه!
-----------------------
حمصي راح يزور صديقه الياباني المريض في الانعاش ..وفجأه صرخ الياباني وقال : ' تشين يون تشان ' ومات
!إستغرب الحمصي وراح السفاره يسأل عن معنى كلام صديقه لاعتقاده انها وصيته الاخيرة
قام قالولو المعنى : شيل رجليك عن كيس الأوكسجين ياثور !!
---------------------
حمصي راح بيت دعاره لقى مراته ! قال : الحمد لله مكتوبلى الحلال !
-------------------
اربع حماصنة حرابيق طالعين بتكسي شوفيره كمان حمصي, بدّن ياكلوا الاجرة عالشوفير قام اتفقوا انو ينزلوا بسرعة بس توقف السيارة وفعلا وقفت السيارة قام فتحوا الابواب بسرعة واشتغل الركض رجليهم تدق بضهرهم من السرعة وفاتوا ببناية عالعظم وطلعوا اول طابق....تاني طابق....تالت.....هيك حتى وصلو لاخر طابق لزقوا بالحيطان ولا حِس ولا نفس,
بعدين واحد منهم لكش اللي جنبو وقال له: يا ترى شو صار بالشوفير؟؟؟
قال له: لك انا الشوفير بس قلي شو القصة؟!
-----------------------------
فيه عجوز حمصية طبّوا عليها حراميه وسرقو التلفزيون، قامت لحقتهم ركض عشان تعطيهيم الريموت كونترول

[lady_forever]

------------------------------------------------------
حمصي فـتـح حـسـاب فـي الـبـنـك .... اعـطـوه بـطـاقـة صـ راف الـكـتـرونـي .... راح غــلـّـفـهـا
=================================
وحدة حمصية ضاعت شنطتها راحت تبلغ الشرطه قالولها ولا يهمك روحي البيت و إحنا بنطلع الشنطة- من تحت الارض.
وهي رايحه شافت بالشارع عمال البلدية يحفرو، قالت لهم: شدّوا حيلكم يا شباب، الشنطة لونها بني

-------------------------------------------------
مرة الحماصنة جمعوا تبرعات من بعضهم واشتروا قنبلة ليضربوها على حماه ، قام الطيار الحمصي طار وضرب القنبلة بنص حمص، قاموا سألوه، ليش ضربت القنبلة بحمص؟ قال لهم: شو احنا دافعين دم قلبنا عالقنبلة لنضربها بحماه ؟؟!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
مرة الحماصنة سمعوا انو في عاصفة جاي على حمص، قاموا كتبوا لافتة وعلقوها بأول حمص ( درعا ترحب بكم )
---------------------------------------------------------
واحد حمصي حشاش ركب تكسي و قال للشوفير خدني عالقمر، قام الشوفير ما كذب خبر واخدوا على شط البحر وكبوا للحمصي عالشط ،
لما صحصح اخونا الحمصي ما شاف حدا حواليه الا وحدة لابسه بكيني عم تنكشوا
و قلتلو دخيلك انا محروقة من الشمس
قال لها: اهلا، انا احمد من حمص
------------------------------------------
اعظم الحـِكـَم الحماصنة
'إذا لم تكن ذئبا ً . ...... فأنت حيوان آخر'
---------------------------
ما القاسم المشترك بين الحمصي ال ذ كي و الديناصورات؟
الإثنين انقرضوا
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

اجا حمصي بدو يستأجربيت فما نصحوه لأنو فيو شبح بخوف كتير أم ما رد عليون و استأجره

أجا الليل وقام هاد الشبح و قلون لرفقاتو: طالع خوفو

طلع الشبح و قعد جنبو لهاد الشخص و قلو: ممكن سيجارة

اطلع فيه الحمصي وقلوه: تفضل

نزل الشبح لعند رفقاتو و هو معصب و قلون: ماخاف!!
رجع الشبح نتف حالو و خلا الدم يشرشر من جلده و طلع لعند الحمصي و قلوه: ممكن سيجارة

اطلع فيه الحمصي وقلوه: تفضل ؟؟
هون الشبح ما بقي براسو عقل نزل لتحت و فظّع بحالو طلع عامودو الفقري و خلا جلده مشرشر وفتل عيونه و طلع لعند الحمصي و قلو: ممكن سيجارة

تطلع الحمصي فيه وقلو:

مو ملاحظ أنو الدخان عم يضرك!!!!!!!!!!!

[lady_forever]

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the
United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Palestinian began:

'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,

'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.

An Israeli had stolen them.'

The Israeli representative jumped up furiously and shouted,

'What are you talking about? The Israeli weren't there then.'

The Palestinian representative smiled and said

'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

[lady_forever]

Un jour, un homme rentre du travail pour trouver le chaos qui règne à la maison..
Ses enfants, encore en pyjama, jouent dans la boue du jardin.
Sur le gazon, tout autour de la maison, il y a des cartons de repas congelés et des boîtes de jus de fruits par terre.
Quand il entre dans la maison, c'est encore pire :
La vaisselle sale est éparpillée dans toute la cuisine, le repas du chien est renversé sur le sol, et il y a du sable par terre, sur la table de la cuisine et les meubles.
Dans la salle de séjour, il trouve des jouets, des vêtements et une lampe renversée.
A ce moment, l'homme a très peur qu'un malheur ait touché sa femme.
Il se précipite au second étage et là, stupéfait, il trouve sa femme encore en pyjama assise dans le lit en train de lire un livre.
Elle se retourne en souriant et lui demande :
- Comment était ta journée ?
- Mais que s'est-t-il passé ici aujourd'hui ?!?
Souriante...
- Tu sais, chaque jour en rentrant, tu me demandes ce que j'ai fait durant la journée et quand je réponds que je me suis occupée de la maison et des enfants... Tu me dis :
- C'est tout ?
- Eh bien, aujourd'hui, je n'ai rien fait !